A night of healing
Parents coping with the death of a child will gather in Arcadia to observe National Children's Memorial Day
by Aisha Mori; San Gabriel Valley Weekly

ARCADIA - Jennifer Zuong's son, Andrew George only lived for 21days in July, but he will always be an important part of her life.

The boy was born bluish, not breathing and with a heart condition. He died after heart surgery in what Zuong said was a fluke with no genetic or environmental reason.

"We were left feeling like we're not parents and we're not pregnant anymore, so what are we doing?" she said. "The holiday season is very difficult because we're not carrying him around showing him off."

Zuong and other parents who have lost young children will meet in Sunday in Arcardia for an evening of remembrance sponsored by the MISS (Mothers In Sympathy and Support) Foundation.

The observance of National Children's Memorial Day - "That their light may always shine...A night of healing" - will feature music, lighting of a unity candle and poetry.

Guest speakers will include Gary Reece, who founded the Stepcare Institute, a mental health resource center, in 1993.

Parents, grandparents, siblings, other family members and friends are invited to join in the candlelight vigil.

Zuong still keeps pictures of Andrew, lights a candle for him and says goodnight to him every day and has become involved in volunteer efforts on his behalf.

"It makes me feel like his life meant something," she said.

Zuong said that most people don't know how to relate to her sorrow.

"People would say to me, 'Oh, I had a miscarriage too,' but its not the same thing," she said.

Zuong said her other son, Alexander is only 20 months old but seems to have child-like understanding of the situation. Zuong said he got in bed with her and stroked her arm to comfort her after she returned from the hospital.

"He'll look at pictures [of the baby] and give them a kiss," she said. "I told him the baby's an angel, so he calls him an angel."

Zuong and her husband both attend MISS Foundation meetings.

"Once a month, we know it's set aside for us to talk about our son," she said. "For the first three months, there was a protective coating that nature gave me, but now I'm realizing that this is really hard and this really hurts. It wasn't just my baby, it was the family's baby."

It's been almost 13 years since Jana Vorhis' daughter, Alyssa Brooke, died of respiratory stress syndrome at only three days old.

"I had the scar on my body to prove I'd had a child," the Monrovia resident said. "A parent is always a parent. When you lose your parents, you're an orphan. When you lose your husband or wife, you're a widow or widower. But when you lose your child, what are you? It's something completely indescribable."

Vorhis said she didn't fit into support groups for parents who lost older children because people told her the newborn baby wasn't as "significant" as a child who had lived for years.

"Their lives were just as important as any of my children's lives," said Vorhis, who keeps scrapbooks and pictures of Alyssa. "Nobody would expect me to take down pictures of my father who died but people think you're being distasteful."

Someone gave her the book, "Dear Cheyenne," by a grieving mother who started the MISS Foundation.

"For the first time ever, someone knew what I was going through as a young mother who lost a young child," said Vorhis, who calls herself a "griefer".

"There are a lot of different types of grief but the death of a young child is still kind of taboo. There's this underlying thing in our culture where people ask if the mother took drugs or something."

Vorhis said talking about Alyssa rather than pretending she never existed has helped her get through the pain. Vorhis has been celebrating her daughter's birthday since she died.

"It makes other people more uncomfortable than it makes us uncomfortable," she said. "It will be 13 years for me and I can still become paralyzed by grief and depression over her tiny life."

IF YOU GO
What: National Children's Memorial Day, sponsored by the California chapter of the MISS Foundation
When: 6 p.m. Sunday
Where: Arcadia Congregational Church, 2607 S. Santa Anita Ave.
What Else: The event will include music, poetry, guest speakers, literature, a children's choir, refreshments and vendors. Dress warmly, bring a chair or blanket and a flashlight in lieu of a candle.
Cost: Free
Information: Jana Vorhis, (626) 357-4816 or http://www.misschildren.org

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