WOMAN'S LIFE HELPS PARENTS DEAL WITH LOSS
BOND WITH DEAD NEWBORN URGED

Published on Wednesday, October 7, 1998
Section: Chandler Community Page: EV13
© 1998 The Arizona Republic

Byline: By Michelle Craig, The Arizona Republic

Two-year-old Joshua Cacciatore knows who his big sister is. ''Where's Cheyenne, Josh?'' asks his mom, Joanne. ''Where's Chey?'' Joshua goes off to find her. He returns with a picture, which he stares at lovingly, holding on to it with an intensity usually reserved for hugs.

Joshua's sister, Cheyenne, died 20 minutes before she was delivered stillborn to Cacciatore and her husband in July 1994. When told that her fourth child had died, Cacciatore became disoriented and asked for someone to take her home. It was a few minutes later, when she learned that the child she had been carrying was a girl and not a boy as she had thought for months, that she was overcome by a desire to see and hold her daughter.

For the next few hours, the Peoria couple spent time with the child they would never know, taking pictures of the small bundle. Instead of regrets, they now have memories. Grieving parents who find themselves in a similar situation need to take the time to say ''hello'' and ''goodbye'' to their child, Cacciatore said. She now serves as executive director of The Arizona SIDS Alliance, is co-founder of Mothers in Sympathy & Support (MISS) and works as an infant group leader for Compassionate Friends.

''So many parents say, 'I didn't hold them long enough. I don't have enough memories,' '' she said. Tim Ayers, project director of the Arizona State University Family Bereavement Program in Tempe, agrees that such bonding is important. ''It is controversial, but it is certainly something grief workers in hospitals encourage,'' he said. He added that the decision to hold and photograph a child should be up to the parent. Ayers said that some parents may not feel comfortable if, for instance, their child was stillborn with serious birth defects. ''That will be how the parent remembers their child,'' he said. Cacciatore began her work with grieving parents shortly after losing Cheyenne. Each of the organizations she is involved with provide bereavement counseling to families who have lost loved ones.

''What if there's a parent that's lost a child? Somebody has to be there for them,'' she said. ''There weren't very many people there for me. It's time for me to give back now.'' To try to deal with the grief of losing her daughter, Cacciatore began attending meetings with Compassionate Friends. Through this group she discovered that the tragedy might be a sign for her to help others, something friends and family have had trouble understanding. ''It's an uncomfortable situation (for them),'' Cacciatore said. ''Friends have become strangers and strangers have become friends.''

Soon after, she became pregnant with Joshua. And with a woman who shared a similar story she founded MISS. ''I saw a need for a group that dealt with infant death,'' Cacciatore said. ''The misconception in society is the younger the child, the less significant (the loss).''

Today, Cacciatore conducts workshops to help hospital personnel learn how to deal with grieving parents. She also volunteers with many community organizations and publishes a newsletter for the SIDS Alliance. She is also spearheading the Kindness Project, which allows people to do acts of kindness in memory of a loved one.

Cacciatore's work has brought about a peace that she finds hard to convey. ''I don't want people to think I've forgotten her,'' she said. ''It takes a lot out of me, but I have to do this. It's for her. . . . I have to do it for her.''

Bereavement support is available through a number of Valley agencies, including:

The Arizona SIDS Alliance and Teen SIDS Parent Support Group. Offers support to families and friends who have experienced the loss of a child to sudden infant death syndrome. Support group meets on second Tuesday of every month from 6:30 to 8 p.m. at Phoenix Children's Hospital, 12th Street and McDowell Road in the Edwards Building, Suite 404. Meetings and on-site child care are free. 979-1000 or www.azsids.org.

Compassionate Friends. A national support program for families who have experienced the death of a child at any age, from any cause. www.compassionatefriends.org or 752-1832.

Phoenix Interfaith Counseling. Group, individual and family counseling for bereaved parents and families. 248-9247.

Catholic Social Service. Offers bereavement counseling and support. 997-6105.

Mothers In Sympathy & Support. Joanne Cacciatore, 979-1000, jcaccia@ix.netcom.com via e-mail, or Web site: www.misschildren.org. To place an order for Kindness cards, send check or money order to: The Kindness Project, Attn: Joanne, 8448 W. Aster Drive, Peoria, AZ 85381.

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