Parents of babies who have died grieve a future that will never be
By MARY K. REINHART, EAST VALLEY TRIBUNE , December 2002

EMILY PIRAINO / TRIBUNE

Le Ann Morlan of Chandler holds mementoes of Samantha, her daughter who was born prematurly and died when she was three days old.

She was to be the third child. It had been seven years since a baby was in the house and for the first time, Margie Sheard was ready.

The Tempe mother retrieved the crib from relatives. Her husband refinished it so it looked like new. Sheard bought sheets and newborn diapers, and her 10-year-old daughter picked out a stuffed lamb that was placed in the crib to await baby Sophie.

"She was beautiful. She had dark, curly hair and she just looked like she was sleeping. It was totally surreal," Sheard said of her daughter, who was stillborn in July, just four weeks before her due date.

Women who lose babies late in pregnancy or shortly after birth suffer cruel ironies. They return home to fully outfitted nurseries. Their breast milk comes in as they’re planning the funeral. Sheard had quit her job to stay home with Sophie.

Friends reminded her that she had two lovely children. But, Sheard said, "That isn’t a consolation. I have an empty crib. "People think that because she didn’t run around in the house or the yard for a couple of years, somehow that makes it less of a loss. It doesn’t."

’WHERE IS MY BABY?’

Sheard was one of 10 mothers who gathered at a Tempe church on a recent evening, part of the East Valley chapter of Mothers in Sympathy and Support (MISS). They nod their heads in agreement as the conversation moves from one shared experience to the next, punctuated by quiet sobs and sniffling. "Mentally, I feel like a mother. But I have no children," said Tina Jesse of Gilbert, who lost twins Jaxton and Jerry in October when they were born several months prematurely. "I walk around the house looking for my babies. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know how to be this person with two dead babies."

Other women — whose losses aren’t as fresh — offer Jesse advice and words of comfort. They tell her it’s normal for her arms to physically ache to hold her babies. They tell her she will learn to live with the pain. That it will become dulled over time, but never, ever go away.

Last year in Arizona, there were more than 700 late-term miscarriages or stillbirths, and another 386 infants died within days of their birth. MISS is one of dozens of pregnancy loss and infant loss support groups sponsored by Valley hospitals and nonprofit agencies, although experts say most women try to work through their grief alone.

But in a society that measures the depth of your grief by the age of your child, MISS facilitator Le Ann Morlan said, going it alone can be difficult. "We all speak the same language. We all have this common bond," said Morlan, a Chandler woman whose daughter, Samantha, lived for three days. "But our society makes us feel like it’s not healthy."

The grief parents feel is just as real as if the child had been 10 or 20 or 30. Except they’ve lost the future rather than the past. "Getting over it isn’t the goal. Learning how to live with it is," said Suzanne Helzer, a nurse and bereavement coordinator at Desert Samaritan Medical Center in Mesa. "Our culture has a buck-up, get-onwith-your-life attitude. ‘Just get pregnant again.’ Which doesn’t speak at all to the experience that these parents are going through."

Unlike parents who lose an older child, these mothers and fathers have no happy memories. Their only photos are of the deceased infant — photos supplied by the hospital, along with a basket filled with items that have touched the baby: Hospital bracelets, name tags and measuring tape, as well as a lock of hair and clay imprints of the baby’s feet and hands.

Nurses at Desert Samaritan make sure parents have plenty of time to hold their babies after they have died, even if parents feel uncomfortable at first or are advised by friends and family not to see the baby.

The nurses encourage parents to help bathe and dress their children. One woman came back every day for a week after her son died to hold him and show him to family members.

"She did what she needed to do to let Samuel go," Helzer said. Now, the woman is pregnant again.

"It is very hard to live with regrets. The moms who struggle the most are the ones who say, ‘I wish I had, why didn’t I, I should have,’ " Helzer said. "This is your only parenting time. You must listen to your heart and not your head." Sheard gave her children the option of holding their baby sister. Her 7-year-old son said no, but changed his mind when they got to the mortuary.

"He just sat there looking at her. Then he said, ‘She’s very small,’ " Sheard said. Then he handed Sophie to her big sister.

"The dam broke. She just sobbed and sobbed," Sheard said. "It was hard for me to watch that."

But friends and relatives have noticed how well the children are handling Sophie’s death. There have been no nightmares or behavior problems related to their loss.

"I think it’s because I gave them some choices," Sheard said. "And they know that they can come and they can talk."

HEARTACHE AND HOPE

Nearly every mother who has lost a baby will hear a well-meaning friend say, "God needed another angel." "You can have another baby." "At least she didn’t live very long." "You’re lucky because you have other children."

So Helzer and Morlan try to prepare women for comments that minimize their loss.

There’s nothing friends and family can say to make things better, Helzer said, so they should just tell the mother that they’re sorry for her loss. Or simply be there to listen to her story. Maybe ask to see pictures of the child, and be generous in comments, even if the baby was born very prematurely or with birth defects.

In addition to grieving the loss of a child, some of these women fear they may never have children. And they may A eulogy too early Margie Sheard of Tempe wrote the eulogy for her daughter Sophie’s funeral. Sophie was stillborn, four weeks before her due date.

"We were so looking forward to Sophie’s arrival and the love and joy she would bring us. She’s here with us now, but not as we planned. Our dreams and hopes for her are no more. Her life was ended before it had really begun. In saying that, we feel that Sophie Marie had already had a positive mark on our lives.

"In the excitement and preparation for her arrival, we were able to relive the wonder and miracle of (her siblings’) births. Sophie has reminded us of the miracle that each child is. So, each day as our little family goes about its business, Sophie will be in our hearts reminding us of how precious and fragile our lives are. She will remind us of the miracles we already have in each other.

"Although her life was spent growing inside her mother, she responded to life outside. She would kick and move when she heard her siblings’ and her Dad’s voices. She experienced life within our family. As long as we have her memory with us to remind us of how fortunate we really are, then her short life will not have been in vain. We love her and miss her, but we know she is safe in God’s hands."

If they do become pregnant again, what should be blissful anticipation is replaced by months of dread, intertwined with memories of the last time. There are support groups specifically for women who are pregnant after suffering the loss of a baby.

Helzer said parents must grieve — the only choice is how they do it. Holding it in can lead to stomach problems, migraines, backaches, substance abuse and marital trouble, she said. "Some of these babies are only meant to be here for 21 weeks. And they rock their world," Helzer said. "They change everything about who this mom and dad are." Sophie reminded the Sheards what a miracle it is that so many babies are born healthy. What miracles they have in their children.

"Our lives are so frantic nowadays that we forget that," she said. "Sometimes it‘s good to just stop and be thankful."