Alesia Dawn and Kristie

February 1, 1999
I don't know why I waited so long to log my thoughts. I guess it's just like everything else in life; the intentions are always there, but acting upon them is another matter.

I miss Alesia Dawn so much and wish I knew what to do to express my sense of loss to others.

I look at pictures of Alesia Dawn and I relive her actions of those moments. I can scarcely remember the sound of her voice. That's one of the things that bothers me the most; how time fades the things about Alesia Dawn that I treasure.

So many things about day to day life are so different now that Alesia is gone. The gray days seem gloomier than before. Sunsets make me sad. Seeing her classmates enjoy things that I know Alesia was looking so forward to, makes me angry that she was denied those opportunities.

The way some people seem so oblivious to the loss in our lives and how "matter-of-fact" they are about Alesia's death, hurts me and makes me angry. As bad as it sounds, there are times I want those individuals to hurt as bad as I do and then maybe they would appreciate the nightmare we face (and will continue to face) everyday of our lives.

I want people to ask me how I'm doing. Call us and check on us. Put their arm around us and say they're thinking about us and not think that by not talking about Alesia somehow make our lives easier. Surely, anyone who knows us must realize that we are consumed with our thoughts of Alesia Dawn. What parents, or sibling, wouldn't be?

There are so many questions I have about Alesia's death that I wish I had answers for. There are three that are foremost in my mind and if any person could answer just one, would give me some peace of mind:

1. Did Alesia know how much I loved her and how proud I was of her?
2. Did Alesia ever go to sleep at night and think that I didn't love her?
3. Will I ever see Alesia again?

She always worried about the persons she loved most. If I was ever sick, she would always want me to reassure her that I was going to be O.K.

I never deserved to have the quality of daughters that I have. Alesia and Kristie both possess all that is good about life. Their eternal reward will be the highest that anyone will achieve. I can only hope and pray that I will be able to share eternity with both of them.

I look at Alesia's picture, as I do countless times everyday, and wonder how a life so sweet and precious can be snuffed out when she had so much to live for.

No matter what, or how, people try to convince me that Alesia is somehow "in a better place", I can't help but think, given a choice, Alesia Dawn would be right here with us now enjoying life as she always did.

Six and half months since her death and I've yet to hear one rational statement that can bring comfort for this "senseless tragedy".

It really makes me sad to watch these kids doing the things that every normal 14 and 15-year-old should be doing, all the while knowing Alesia Dawn was robbed of the opportunity to ever experience them.

When I look at Alesia's classmates, I wonder if (or how often) they think about Alesia.

This is just so unbelievably unfair; words cannot even begin to express the gut-wrenching emptiness I feel. For the rest of my life, each day I will be wishing Alesia Dawn were here to experience all the things life has to offer. This tragedy is not limited to "the moment", a day, a week, months or even years, it is a life sentence. How can God seem so uncaring?

God had a chance to intervene, the power to change things, prevent all the heartache and chose not to. I prayed so hard that night and so did a lot of other people. God could have done the right thing, but didn't.

I know people may think it's sacrilegious to question God, but if you believe that God is "all-knowing" and "all-powerful", you have to believe he knows the content of your heart. Whether you keep those thoughts to yourself or express them for the world to see, God knows they're there.

I question God about a lot of things and I don't believe he loves me any less. He has provided me with the ability to think for myself and allows me the freedom to act on the conclusions that I draw from my thought processes.

As much as I believe that God has the ability to change or alter the events throughout the Universe, I don't believe he knows the decisions that each of us will make. In most instances, he provides us the information we require to make decisions that affect our lives and others around us and lets us have the freedom to make our own choices.

God is a "parent" to us as we are to our own children. We teach our children the difference between right and wrong and hope they make the "right" decision, but we never know with certainty what their decision will be.

If you believe that God knows every "next move" or decision you'll make, then you can't believe you have any form of "free agency". We would just be "puppets on a string". What would be the point of life if you didn't have the freedom to make your own decisions?

My point is, that ultimately, each of us makes our own decisions and has to live the consequences of those decisions. If we make the right decision, we will be rewarded. If we make the wrong decision, there is a price to be paid.

When Alesia Dawn died, I reflected on the decisions and actions of my life and wondered what I had done so wrong that God would shatter my world. I know I've made "wrong" decisions along the way, but I look around at persons much more "evil" than I could ever be and they haven't suffered a tragedy the likes of which we have.

As time passed, I reconsidered my initial thoughts and realized how flawed they were. As personally debilitating as Alesia's death was to me, I wasn't any more devastated than Marsha and Kristie. Why would they be punished for "wrong" decisions that I may have made? For that matter, Alesia Dawn suffered the greatest punishment of all. If there ever was an individual that didn't deserve to suffer, it was Alesia Dawn. Marsha and I attended an academic awards presentation at the High School last night. Students who have maintained a 3.50 GPA or higher were recognized. This recognition is for Seniors, Juniors and Sophmores.

Kristie has been there all three years.

If not for one English teacher, determined not to give an "A" in his class, Kristie would have a perfect 4.0 GPA. It's sad to think a teacher would put his "ego" before the best interest of his students, but this was clearly the case. Kristie has always possessed good study habits and the "fruits" of her efforts are now being realized as evidenced by her scholarships and academic awards.

Several members of the Freshmen class were there to help with the ceremony. Alesia Dawn should have been there with them.

This is just another classic example of how the accomplishments of Kristie can't be fully appreciated by me because of my grief over the loss of Alesia Dawn. It doesn't seem fair to Kristie, but I know Kristie carries the same burden I do and everything for her is also diminished by the loss of Alesia Dawn.

I couldn't be prouder of Kristie. I was blessed with two beautiful daughters. Both, Kristie and Alesia Dawn, are everything a parent could want.

A good friend of ours was telling Marsha and me how sad it was knowing that after all these years of attending the academic awards ceremony, this would be his last one. He is such and good man and father, I know the sincerity of his words. This being his youngest child, he's had 18 years to prepare for this day. That doesn't make it any easier.

Sadly, it's the last one for Marsha and me too. Unfortunately, it was not supposed to be this way. We were supposed to have the opportunity to share in Alesia Dawn's accomplishments. Fate, rather than the passing of time, has made this a finality for us.

It was difficult for me to listen as the Principal read the names of the Freshmen who had helped with the awards ceremony. Every other time I had heard those names read before, Alesia Dawn's name was always a part of it.

Every school function I go to, it seems likes someone should say how much they miss Alesia Dawn and recognize the fact that she's not here. I guess that's because I want others to miss her as much as I do.

My perception is that others are oblivious to my pain. My closest friends don't mention Alesia Dawn or ask how we're doing. I don't know what to do to convince them that even though talking about Alesia Dawn may make them uncomfortable, "not talking" about it makes me think they don't care. Maybe they don't.

For some reason, the freshmen cheerleaders were doing the game. Obviously, I couldn't watch the cheerleaders and not think about Alesia Dawn being out there with them. Boy, wouldn't she have been thrilled to be cheering during a varsity game.

As if Alesia Dawn's death wasn't tragic enough, in and off itself, when you think about how she was completely "screwed out" of enjoying life's simple pleasures, it's even more difficult to try to live with.

I can remember how totally crushed she was by not making 8th grade cheerleader and how helpless I felt in trying to comfort her. A year after that, the sadness was replaced with joy as she made freshman cheerleader. She was so proud and excited.

Her dreams of becoming a cheerleader had finally come true. She wouldn't even hang her cheerleading outfit in the closet. She hung it on the curtain rod in her room for everyone to see.

As proud as she was for accomplishing a feat others take for granted; why in the name of God was she denied the opportunity to ever experience the joy of cheering in front of her family and friends?

With everything that Alesia Dawn had to endure throughout her life; would it have been too much to ask to let her experience that moments pleasure? It's almost as if she had been knocked down at birth, and every attempt she made to get up, something (or someone) was there to knock her back down.

When I think about how hard Alesia Dawn fought and struggled to get to where she was and then I see "healthy" kids that are so lazy, disrespectful and seemingly devoid of any worth, it makes me sick to my stomach.

A friend ask me to come watch the freshman boys basketball game tonight, but watching Alesia's classmates is too painful at this point. I think I'll pass on this one.

I think about death a lot more than I used to. Needless to say, my views on death have changed dramatically in the past 6-1/2 months. I used to fear the thought of death because I loved life so much. Now, I view death as an opportunity to see Alesia again. Each day that passes puts me closer to being with Alesia.

For weeks after Alesia's death, the thought of suicide crossed my mind almost daily. There are still times when I think about it, although I know it would be the worst thing I could do. Kristie and Marsha have suffered enough, I don't need to make their lives any more complicated than they already are.

I've only conveyed these thoughts of suicide to two people and both of them were alarmed that I would even consider such a thing.

Individuals who have not experienced what Marsha and I have gone through can't fathom something so devastating that you would be willing to take your own life. I'd be willing to bet everything I own that every parent that has buried a child, consider suicide.

What may seem abnormal to most people may seem perfectly logical to a select group of people. There definitely shouldn't be a rush to judgment on those individuals whose lives have been shattered (through no fault of their own).

This clearly is not the thoughts of someone who is merely in a state of depression; it comes from someone whose life has been so tragically altered that death would appear to be the only relief from the daily torment of having lost something so precious.

One of my friends suggested I should talk to a "professional". Man do I hate that term, "professional". Professional what? Because someone has researched and studied a topic doesn't mean they have a clue what a grieving parent is going through.

Each situation is different. Fortunately, God gave me an alert mind, the ability to act rationally and the intelligence to make the best decisions for my family and me.

Saturday night we went to El Maguey's in Blue Springs to eat supper. Alesia Dawn loved to eat there. That was one place we didn't have to tell Alesia to clean her plate.

After we ate, we made our usual trek to Wal-Mart. Seems like that's been our weekend routine ever since the kids were born. Alesia could never leave Wal-Mart empty handed. No matter if we had been there earlier on the same day, she could always think of something she "just had to have".

Had I known Alesia's life was going to be cut so tragically short, you can bet your last dollar, anything she ever wanted I would have gotten for her.

Fortunately, we were always able to provide Kristie and Alesia with everything they've needed without "spoiling" them. Both of them have always appreciated anything they received from anyone. I couldn't have ask for two kids that were (are) more respectful than Alesia and Kristie.

Like all kids, Kristie and Alesia wanted "certain things" and occasionally we would "give in" and get them for the two of them. Thankfully, both of them were normally "pretty good" about respecting our decision when we didn't "give in".

Every parent, including us, wants the absolute best for their children. That's the guilt I feel now as I was so helpless to do anything to help Alesia Dawn the night she died.

I had the opportunity to provide her with all that money could buy, but the time when I wanted to contribute the most, I wasn't able to provide anything.

My heart is completely broken. I am so sad. I can't even begin to know how to express it so any of my friends and family can even begin to comprehend how much this hurts. I wish someone could say or do something to help ease our sorrow.

I thought today about Alesia Dawn playing 8th grade volleyball. I knew she wasn't one of the best players or even in the top 15, but it didn't matter to me. I was just thrilled to watch her play, even if it was just for one rotation.

I specifically remember going to watch her play at Warrensburg. She got into the game and I was nearly in tears just watching her play. Michael Jordan's parents couldn't have felt any more pride in their son than I felt for Alesia at that moment.

She stayed in for more than one rotation and actually got to serve the ball. I knew how much it would mean for her to get the ball over the net and prayed that she could do it. She got the serve over and even got a point. What happened after that really didn't matter. That was her (and my) shining moment.

She and I relived that serve more times than I can remember. Mark MaGwire's 70th home run doesn't mean squat to me compared to that one serve Alesia Dawn got in. That memory will be forever etched in my mind.

A few weeks later, at a parent-teacher conference at the Middle School, I told Alesia's coach (Ellen Massey) how much it meant for me to watch Alesia play volleyball. And even though I knew Alesia's wasn't one of her best players, I appreciated the fact that she cared enough about Alesia to put her in the game. It was all I could do to tell Ellen that without breaking down.

Obviously, a person's perspective on life's simple pleasures are established by those events that personally affect them, but in all honesty I wish the day would come when every parent would be able to experience the joy I felt that day, regardless of their child's athletic ability.

Throughout this tragedy, the love and kindness provided by our families has been a big support to us.

Coping with the loss of Alesia Dawn during those first weeks after her death was brutal. I don't know how we would have gotten through it without the support of our families and friends. It seemed as if someone was always there for us; spending the night, calling, taking us to eat etc=85 The nights would have been unbearable without someone there. I won't attempt to name the family members who contributed so much for fear of forgetting someone. Suffice to say, they gave with their hearts and will receive a much bigger reward for their caring attitude than any praise I could give them.

I've done some reading about the lives of other grieving parents and what to expect in our own situation. (They) talked about how during the first weeks after the loss of a child, there would be daily phone calls and contact from family and friends to make sure we were okay, but as time passed, the phone calls and contacts would become less and less frequent.

I have definitely seen this pattern develop, but I understand why is does. Our families and friends have there own lives to live and I wouldn't want (or expect) them to neglect their own lives for us. They were there when we needed them most and I know that all I have to do is pick up the phone, any time of the day or night, and any one of them would be here for= us.

I make every attempt to focus on the positive things that people have done for us, but being human, I can't help being hurt by the fact that there have been members of my immediate family that have not once, since Alesia's funeral, called to ask how we're doing. It has been too long to simply excuse it as "not knowing what to say". These individuals are my family with children of their own. Surely, they can't imagine how painful it would be to lose one of their children and not feel compassion for Marsha and me. This hurts a lot.

In years past, after a league game, I'd call Hank and we would analyze and relive nearly every single play of the game. That may have seemed silly to anyone else but us, but it was something I really enjoyed. Good times were something I could relish for a long period of time.

It seems as any event in my life now, be it good or bad, is just a moment in time. I am consumed with my thoughts of Alesia Dawn and how much I miss her.

I talk to Alesia Dawn all the time. I wish I knew if she was aware how much I miss her or can hear me when I talk to her. If she is aware of how much we all miss her, then I'm afraid it will make her sad that she's not here to be with us. A part of me wants to believe she is oblivious to all our anxiety and is the epitome of happiness. It's thoughts like this that I live with every minute of my life.

No parent should ever have to be in this position.

I've heard the phrase, "God never gives us more than we can handle", but I'd venture to guess that phrase was never uttered by a parent who had to bury one of their children.

By no means do I pretend to think that we (Marsha, Kristie and I) are the only ones who have ever suffered a tragedy such as this. All I'm trying to do by putting my thoughts down in words is to convey to those who may read them, how I feel and how the death of Alesia Dawn has affected my life and my perception of different ideas and philosophies.

I can only relate my own feelings. Others may share some of my thoughts, but as for the content of these words, that comes straight from my heart.

I'm sure there are individuals who feel that a loss or event in their own life is just as devastating to them as the loss of Alesia Dawn is to me. For those individuals, they have my deepest respect and sympathy. In no way do I want to measure one person's grief against another's. That's not fair to anyone.

I also don't want anyone to perceive my thoughts as "Woe is me". I will deal with the situation thrust upon us and try to cope with it. I know we don't face this tragedy alone. The friends and family members who have been so supportive have a special place in our hearts.

None of this was brought on by any fault of our own. For some reason Alesia Dawn was dealt a "bad hand" from birth, and as her parents, Marsha and I had to endure the mental anguish, the heartache and financial burdens that parents of healthy children can't even imagine. How fair is that?

For that reason, I have no patience when I hear individuals complain about what I call "self-inflicted" hardships. I've made stupid decisions myself and have suffered the consequences. For those situations, I feel I got what I deserved and hopefully learned from it.

If life were fair, no one should ever have to endure an "unsolicited hardship". God, are you listening?

In the past 13 months, Kristie has lost a lifelong friend (Teddi), Alesia Dawn and now a classmate. In the 18-month period prior to this, I know of at least 4 other students at Oak Grove that have died. Seven kids in less than 3 years. Simply unbelievable!

Kristie Cola has had to endure more in her 18 years of life than a lot of middle-aged adults. Typical to Kristie's personality, she has handled it with dignity and class. She has always been wise beyond her years.

What should have been the pinnacle of her youth, her senior year of High School, a time to revel in her accomplishments and share good times with her classmates, instead has turned out to be one of the most trying years she may experience in her life. For Kristie, this school year can't go fast enough.

The death of Alesia Dawn has not only taken her sister away; it has essentially robbed Kristie of her senior year. While her classmates seemingly enjoy their last year of High School without a care in the world, Kristie can only think about what might have been.

I just don't think people, who haven't experience the death of a child, can grasp how debilitating it is, not only for the parents, but also for the surviving sibling, particularly when that sibling now becomes "an only child".

If Alesia Dawn were still alive, life would so much better for all of us.

I just hope that my loss of Alesia Dawn doesn't detract from being a good Dad to Kristie. There is a fine line between being over protective and being so distraught that I lose sight of the accomplishments in Kristie's life. I'm definitely trying to maintain a good balance.

Kristie and Alesia are the light in my life.

I can remember how proud I was when Kristie was born. My first child. My little girl.

Every parent rightfully thinks they have the most beautiful child. Kristie was all that. She was perfect. Even Grandma Carder, who thought every newborn was "ugly", continually commented on "what a pretty baby Kristie was".

I couldn't wait to get off work so I could drive to Clinton and hold my new daughter. I don't remember holding any other newborn before, but I sure liked holding Kristie.

Marsha worked days and I worked night's right after Kristie was born. I was Mr. Mom. I had never changed a diaper in my life, but I soon learned= how.

Inevitably, Kristie would always be sound asleep when Marsha would leave to go to work, but the minute Marsha would pull out of the drive, Kristie would start crying. Having only been in bed for 4 to 5 hours, I had hoped Kristie might have a little sympathy for her "old man". At a couple months old, I think she was probably a little young to worry about "Dad".

Thank goodness for wind up swings. I would put Kristie in the swing, wind it up and catch a few more minutes of sleep.

Sleep wasn't a big deal for Kristie as a baby and she made sure Mom and Dad never got too much of it either.

It seemed like I sat up with Kristie a lot of nights. She was seldom ever fussy, just didn't want to go to sleep. She was satisfied just to have someone hold her, the whole time; eyes wide open with not even a hint of going to sleep.

I remember late on a Sunday night (Monday morning), sitting in our old swivel rocker, holding Kristie in my arms, and those little brown eyes staring up at me. When I looked at her, I felt I was looking at myself. Kristie was "a part" of me.

As I looked at her, I thought to myself, "How could I possibly love anything or anyone as much as I love this child". I knew Marsha was insistent that we would have more than one child, but I didn't see any way that I could love another child like I loved Kristie.

Three years later I got the answer to that question when Alesia Dawn was born.

I found out that love is boundless. God doesn't take the love you have and divide it. He multiplies it. I didn't have to take my love for Kristie and divide it with Alesia Dawn; God "doubled" my ability to love. If I had 100 kids, none would have been loved more than another and none would have "wanted" for love.

I miss those days when Kristie and Alesia Dawn used to write out those valentines to all their little classmates. One of my all time favorite songs is Cher's "If I could turn back time". I know the song is about a girl who has lost a boyfriend, but the content of the words paints a bigger picture for me. If I could turn back time, my life would be dramatically better. One of the lines is; If I could reach the stars, I'd give them all to you. A simple line, but it says so much. It is really a "feel good" song. I need to find it on CD.

A year ago on Valentines Day, the four of us, along with Josh, Hank and Tina went to the Collin Raye concert at Station Casino. That was a lot of fun. We had seats on the second row.

Collin Raye threw a towel into the audience. I caught it (Hank whined about it) and I gave it to Alesia Dawn.

When I was cleaning Alesia Dawn's room over Christmas break, I found that towel. It's in her closest. It would be nice to have it signed by Collin Raye. Who Knows? I might be able to pull that one off.

After the concert, we went to Winsteads and had dessert. Hank joked about being mad that Collin Raye didn't sing "Bird Dog". God knows where that came from, but we got a lot of mileage out of it. We laughed a lot that night. If I could turn back time.

February 15, 1999
Seven months today.

At times, it seems like only yesterday. Other times, it seems like ages.

I ride a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes sad and other times furious. One moment, I want someone to put their arms around me, and the next, I want to lash out and just hit something. There are times I want to be surrounded by people and there are times I want to be alone and never have to talk to anyone.

Last night we spent the evening at Judy and Ed's. I had a really good time, but there were moments during the evening that I couldn't help think about how much Alesia Dawn would have enjoyed being there. Alesia Dawn loved family get togethers. She simply enjoyed life.

I've learned to laugh again. There was a time when I wondered if I could and guilt made me wonder if I should.

When I experience anything enjoyable in life, I have a sense of guilt. Why should I experience anything "good" in life now that Alesia Dawn has been deprived of those same opportunities?

I hope I mask my emotions well enough that I don't make those around me uncomfortable. On the other hand, I don't want anyone to think that because I've learned to laugh and "cut up" again, that somehow the loss of Alesia Dawn hurts any less.

I cry a lot, but seldom in front of others. I try not to break down in front of Marsha and Kristie. Not because it's a "macho" thing, but because I don't want to make them any sadder than I know they already are.

We went by the cemetery to visit Alesia Dawn's grave before we went to lunch yesterday.

The winter months makes it hard to go by daily, because they lock the cemetery gates earlier. Hopefully, as spring approaches, we'll be able to visit her grave each day as we did last summer and fall.

Visiting Alesia Dawn's grave is "not an effort", nor is it an obligation. As her dad, it is simply "the thing" to do. It gives me some sense of doing my part as a father and lets me feel closer to Alesia Dawn. Anything that can do that, must be the right thing to do.

There were over 500 pictures that Alesia Dawn was a part of, not necessarily the subject in all cases, but a part nonetheless.

I sorted those 500+ pictures in chronological order and put them in photo albums. It is a very nice keepsake and shows how much Alesia Dawn grew and changed in her short 14 years.

Since then, I decided it would be a good idea to do the same with all of our other photographs that have been thrown in boxes, drawers, etc=85

Needless to say, I discovered more pictures with Alesia Dawn. I'm not going to separate them from the others.

It's amazing how many things I had forgotten with the passing of time. Photographs, obviously, freeze those moments in time and allow us the chance to relive them.

There are literally hundreds of photographs. Arranging them in chronological order was an arduous task, but allowed me the opportunity to look at each one. Hard to believe I haven't changed in over 20 years. Thank goodness our last camera put a date on each photograph. That made sorting the last 4 years of photographs a lot easier.

One particular picture "jumped out" at me.

It was a photograph of Alesia Dawn sleeping on the floor next to our bed.

In her autobiography that Alesia Dawn had written for a 6th grade project, she said she was afraid of "the dark". Another question asked what she was ashamed of, and she answered "her fear of the dark".

She always slept on our floor and as far as I was concerned, I wouldn't have wanted her to sleep anywhere else. Most nights, she and I "kidded" back and forth until time for us to get to sleep.

I remember every night saying, "I love you Alesia Dawn. You're a good kid". Within seconds, she would be sound asleep.

Having grown up with many fears of my own, "the dark" being one of them, I knew too well what it's like to be afraid. I hope we provided Alesia the comfort and security she wanted and needed.

It was senior night for the cheerleaders and again the freshman cheerleaders were on hand to help lead cheers. The freshman girls were wearing new sweaters. Alesia Dawn would have looked "awesome" out there with the rest of the girls.

I'm furious.

Alesia Dawn should have never been denied the opportunity to cheer with her classmates.

I'm so upset with God, I could scream. Why didn't he do something? He could have and should have. He owed Alesia Dawn. He owes every child who was born with a birth defect a chance to overcome adversity "thrust" upon them. Trust me, I know this one all too well.

Marsha and I should be afforded the opportunity to go to a basketball game or any place else and enjoy the event without having to carry this burden. But, how can we? We can't do anything without thinking about Alesia Dawn and what "could have been".

I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Gregg, the years have not been kind to you. You look old and worn." No one will ever mistake me for a younger age.

Having lost my Mother and Dad, Dorothy, Jasper and one of the best friends I've ever had (Mike) all before I turned 37, no doubt added a few gray hairs and wrinkles. I have friends and co-workers my age and older that can still pick up the phone and talk to a parent. I envy them.

As devastating as the loss of the aforementioned was for me personally, I was able to "move on" and continue my life. However, losing Alesia Dawn is more debilitating for me than words can express. Most days, life doesn't seem worth living.

As if that weren't enough, every year of Alesia Dawn's "much-too-short" life, Marsha and I never knew what to expect at Alesia's annual cardiologist visits. I always feared the worst. The anxiety of "not knowing" was gut wrenching. The days leading up to each "checkup", I would literally be sick to my stomach. I can only imagine what Alesia Dawn was thinking.

When Alesia Dawn did get "good news", it made it that much sweeter. We would celebrate and pass the good news on to family and friends.

1997 brought the most positive "checkup" for Alesia Dawn. She was doing great. The doctor wouldn't have to see her for two more years. Finally, since Alesia Dawn's birth, we could face an entire year without facing the anxiety of a cardiologist visit. 1998 was going to be "the year". A year to celebrate. No doctors. No worries. God was smiling down on us.

Wait. Was that a smile or a smirk? Instead of being a year to celebrate, 1998 turned out to be the worst year of my life. After years of trials with Alesia Dawn, God took the "silver lining" we had waited so long for, and choked us with it.

If it sounds like I'm being a cynical S.O.B., you're right. I'm mad at God and he knows it. He owes me and he owes me "BIG TIME".

Today is not a good day.

Parents with "healthy" children should be thankful. They don't realize how fortunate they are.

I was very proud of Scott and glad to be invited to share the moment. Scott and I "rib" each other a lot, but Scott has always been respectful of me and I appreciate that.

I have not actively attended church since 1990. That's another topic.

As I sat there during the service, I couldn't help but think what my role in the church might have been had I remained an active member. Who knows? I can't change what is in the past and won't dwell on what "might have been", but it would be interesting to know how life's paths would be affected with different decisions.

Harry Black spoke at the service. I remember listening to Harry speak at the youth rallies I attended over 20 years ago. Back then, I thought he was a dynamic speaker, and after listening to him again last night, it's nice to see he still possesses the same qualities.

Harry touched on several different points in his message. One point, in particular, stood out for me. He talked about the difference between "sympathy" and "empathy".

"Sympathy", he said, is merely an emotion that conveys sorrow from one individual to another, while "empathy" is the ability to "understand" the sorrow or grief that an individual is experiencing.

I know the difference between "sympathize" and "empathize", but until Harry brought it to my attention, I hadn't really put the terms into the proper perspective in my own situation.

There are friends and co-workers who "sympathize" with me, but because they were not close to Alesia Dawn or perhaps have never lost a loved one, they give the impression that Alesia's death is a singular event that doesn't affect more than that moment in time. Life goes on as if nothing has changed. For them, that probably is true.

On the other hand, my closest friends and family knew and loved Alesia Dawn. She was "a part" of their lives. These individuals know Marsha's, Kristie's and my pain and have "empathy" for us. These are the ones who continue to hug us when they see us. Without saying a word, they convey the love in their hearts for us. Their support for us is immeasurable.

I feel a bit more enlightened today.

I talked to Karen Wilkinson's mom (Carolyn) before the game started last night.

Carolyn said that Karen had invited Teddi's parent (Tony and Eve) to the game, but they declined. Tony said it was just too hard to deal with. I completely understand.

In our worst nightmares, no one could have imagined that Alesia Dawn and Teddi wouldn't be here to celebrate senior night in 1999. Teddi should have been part of the game and Alesia Dawn here to help lead the cheers.

If Teddi and Alesia Dawn are together now, I'm sure they're arguing about something or playing "Skipbo" with Grandma Carder.

I feel awful for Tony and Eve. Like Marsha and me, life for them has taken a dramatic change.

Four short years ago, Tony and Eve, Mike and Jerry (Hatfield), Jack and Carolyn (Wilkinson), along with Marsha and me, would sit together and watch Teddi, Jennifer, Karen and Kristie play basketball. Those were really good times. I feel I've made lifelong friends with these parents. None of the parents knowing each other growing up, but by some stroke of luck, all ended up in Oak Grove and united because of our daughters.

As Kristie, Jennifer and Karen have grown, their lives have taken them in different directions. Consequently, Jennifer and Karen aren't around us as much as they were up until their sophomore year. It's really kind of sad. Jennifer, Karen and Teddi were like daughters to me and couldn't have been better friends for Kristie.

The upcoming months will be a big adjustment for Marsha and me. Kristie will be finishing High School in May and moving out this fall.

Obviously, we had always counted on having Alesia there with us when Kristie left for college.

Alesia's High School activities would have kept us busy and helped fill the void of Kristie being gone. Now, that void will seem like a "black hole". It will just be Marsha and me at home. As if our lives didn't seem empty enough already, we're facing a home life with no children around. I hope we're ready to deal with it.

When you stop to think about it, it's sad how little time the majority of individuals have for themselves. We spend 25% of our lives working, and 33% of our lives sleeping. That only leaves 42% to do as we please, and I'd dare say, after factoring in sickness and obligations to school, community, etc., the time is considerably less than 42%.

No matter how little time there is available, we need to make the most of the time we do have.

I remember, years ago, telling a good friend of mine that when I got older and my kids were grown, I wanted to be able to look back and say, "I made the most and best of the time I had to spend with my kids". Unfortunately, that is not the case. There were so many times the kids ask me to do something, that I was just "too busy". Needless to say, I regret that more than I can express. The fact that Alesia Dawn is gone only magnifies the situation.

I also told that same friend that when I died, the only thing important to me was to be remembered as a "good father". Whether I'm a "good husband", is between Marsha and me and requires a mutual effort by each of us. Being a "good father" means being there "every time" my kids need me, doing what I can to make their lives complete.

No one will ever know the helplessness I felt that night as I held Alesia Dawn's lifeless body in my arms and tried to breathe life back into her.

I'm her Dad. I'm supposed to be able to make things right. When she hurts, it's my responsibility to make her better. If she's scared, I'm supposed to put my arm around her and reassure her. If something (or someone) makes her sad, I'm supposed to kiss the tears away.

That night, that (freaking) night, "my little girl", who had so much to live for, was "taken away" in the innocence of her youth. I was "helpless" to do anything, but pray and ask others to do the same.

With so many people praying, pleading, begging for God to intervene; Why didn't he? What a testimony to God's greatness and power if he would have spared Alesia Dawn that night.

It's been said and written more times than I can imagine that one day we will come to understand the trials of our lives. Right now, that is absolutely no consolation to someone with a broken heart.

Because God did not intervene, he has allowed the remainder of my days to be lived with "regrets and heartache". It's hard to worship someone who has let you down so dramatically.

Individuals may read this and think that I'm showing a lack of respect to God and that by doing so, somehow jeopardize the "gifts" God has in store for me. Or, they may think that I'm somehow going to be punished for my thoughts.

What punishment could I possibly face that would be worse than burying my child? It doesn't get any worse than that. Every day, I live every parent's worst nightmare. What most parent's don't (and shouldn't have to) imagine, I wake up to each day.

The "only thing" in life that I ever wanted, was that my kids be healthy and have full lives. I guess that was too much to hope for.

One individual in particular must have just a horrible life. No matter the situation, she feels it is her unmitigated duty to make the lives around her, just as miserable as her life is. Where does this come from?

Some persons just don't have a clue about tact. I try my best to be cognizant of the situation I'm in and act accordingly.

Just this morning someone was bemoaning the fact that her grandchild was going to have a tonsillectomy and how upsetting it was. She was just outside my office door while she described this upcoming "tragedy".

I'm sure this individual deeply loves her grandchild and was completely oblivious to the fact that the "trial" she was detailing was within earshot of me. She and others like her should pay closer attention to what they have to say and where they say it.

To someone who has buried a child, a tonsillectomy seems pretty trivial. Just be thankful your child, grandchild or whomever, is alive and has an opportunity to have "a tonsillectomy".

This shouldn't be misconstrued as me being a person who doesn't care about others. I do care about the well being of my friends and their loved ones. I'm simply saying that those who know my situation should be respectful of my feelings and think about what they're saying.

I wouldn't complain about a cold to someone who has a terminal illness, complain about leg cramps to a paraplegic, lament my eye irritation to someone who is blind, etc=85 I think you get the picture. I just want to be given the same consideration.

It's hard not to be resentful of those individuals who talk about their child's' accomplishments, all the while knowing Alesia Dawn will never have a chance to realize the hopes and dreams I had for her.

She has been so supportive since Alesia Dawn died.

Janet has always been fond of Kristie and Alesia Dawn. In 1990, after Alesia Dawn had heart surgery, Janet brought her a big stuffed rabbit (Floppy). She also brought pizza to Marsha and I in Alesia Dawn's parent care room.

Alesia Dawn loved "Floppy". We buried "Floppy" with Alesia Dawn. They will be together forever.

Oak Grove lost 74-70. I felt sad for the seniors, Karen, Jamie and Erin. The girls had a great season and should be very proud of what they accomplished this year. I'm sure that's little consolation to them right= now.

I've always had a strong passion for the things I follow, i.e., the Cardinals, the Mules, Elton John, Keith Hernandez, Oak Grove sports, etc. I guess that's why it seems to hurt so bad to see the Panthers lose. Maybe I need to be less passionate about these things.

In some respects, Alesia Dawn's death has made me re-evaluate my stance on certain things in my life. There are definitely a lot of things that seemed awfully important a year ago, that seem pretty insignificant now.

In the days right after Alesia Dawn died, I felt so numb that nothing seemed to bother me.

Unfortunately, as time passes by, I find myself once again getting irritated by trivial things and allowing things to bother me.

I'm not an expert by any means, but I have to believe that my emotional and mental well being are going to be subjected to a lot changes in the days, months and years ahead. I hope I'm able to deal with these "ups and downs" and hope a time will come in my life that "the waters will run= smooth".

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, nothing in my life will be as bad as losing Alesia Dawn, but I still have to be realistic enough to know that my friends and family have problems and heartaches too. I know that compared to burying my child, those problems may seem trivial to me, I still have to respect other individuals feelings and so compassion for them.

Alesia Dawn's death in some respects has made me cynical and "hard", but there are other times I feel I've become more tolerant and understanding.

It seems like I'm talking (writing) in circles. Not only am I unstable emotionally, I'm fighting a stupid cold and feel like I've been on a 10-day drunk.

I think I better quit typing before my thoughts become more scrambled than they already are.

We spent last night celebrating Brents 30th birthday. It doesn't seem possible to think that Brent could be 30. I've watched him grow over the past 23 years and feel like he has turned out to be a "fine young man".

Alesia Dawn loved Brent. It was important to me that he be a pallbearer at her funeral. I know it meant a lot to Brent because he told me so. Alesia Dawn wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Before Marsha, Kristie and I left to go home, I looked at a picture collage Stephanie had put together of photographs of Alesia Dawn. It broke my heart to look at those pictures. Alesia Dawn was smiling and appeared so carefree. When those pictures were taken; who could have imagined Alesia Dawn would be taken away from us so soon?

I get so angry at times, I want to punch a wall, kick something, yell at someone, do anything that might clear my head. So far, I've refrained from doing any of these things, but it isn't easy.

There are times I want to put a gun to my head and end this misery. I wouldn't do that to Marsha and Kristie, they've been tortured enough.

Some nights when I go to bed, I think it would be nice to fall asleep and never wake up. That way I wouldn't (couldn't) be responsible for inflicting suffering to those I leave behind.

As much as I love Marsha and Kristie, if they would assure me that their lives would be okay without me, I would leave this world in a heartbeat. Isn't that a horrible thought? Eight months ago, I wouldn't have ever dreamed of thinking such a thing. My life has been turned upside down.

What a dilemma?

Do I miss Alesia Dawn more than I love Kristie? No.

Do I love Kristie more that I miss Alesia Dawn? No.

What is a "Dad" to do? There is no answer. If life were fair, no such a question would even exist. Life isn't fair.

I keep looking for "a sign". I look at the stars in the sky and try to figure something out. I try to look beyond the horizon, past the clouds, but everything seems futile. The insignificance of my being was never more apparent than it is now.

Marsha and I helped chaperone a dance at the high school Saturday night. That was hard. A lot of Alesia Dawn's classmates were there. The entire evening, I kept thinking about Alesia Dawn being deprived of all the joy she had looked so forward to.

The loneliness, emptiness and aching in my heart cannot be expressed so that others can comprehend or begin to ever understand.

As I was driving home yesterday, after playing golf, I looked at the fields, pastures, utility poles, etc=85 that I'd seen countless times and thought about how oblivious the world, outside of my life's circle, was to my torment.

No one knows the "meaning of life" or the reason for our being here. Everything seems so "hollow" to me now. My life seems to have no purpose.

I went by the cemetery yesterday afternoon. Just a few feet from Alesia Dawn's grave, a tent was set up where an 85-year-old man was to be buried. Someone born 70 years "before" Alesia Dawn, yet buried 7 months "after" Alesia Dawn.

I know that any one who reads my words is going to think that I'm in a "state of depression" or that I may need "psychological" help.

You bet I'm depressed. What "Dad" wouldn't be?

As for "psychological" help, unless someone can say or do something to remove the emptiness in my heart, I don't want to have my thoughts and feelings shared with anyone outside of my family and friends.

I also know that individuals will say that the thoughts of suicide or "life without purpose" are not normal.

To those persons, I would say, first and foremost, burying your 14-year-old daughter is not "normal". My thoughts can now only be compared to those who have experienced a like tragedy. In that context, my "feelings" are quite normal.

As I was driving home and listening to the radio, the song One of these days was played. The song is sung by Tim McGraw and is about how some individuals are subjected to cruelty (torment) by others, simply because they are perceived to be different. As the title eludes, the "victims" tell their tormenters that:

"One of these days you're gonna love me
You'll sit down by yourself and think
About the times you pushed and shoved me
And what good friends we might've been
And then you're gonna sigh a little
Maybe even cry a little, but
One of these days you're gonna love me"

As I drove and listened to the song, I begin to cry. The song was still playing when I pulled into the driveway and I finished listening to it before I turned the car off.

Alesia Dawn faced more adversity than she ever shared with any of us. I know there were times in her life that other kids teased her because of her physical limitations and as I listened to that song, I couldn't help but think of the persecution Alesia Dawn must have faced.

As if being born with a heart defect wasn't a big enough obstacle to overcome, Alesia Dawn had to learn to deal with the cruelty of other children and some "stupid adults".

It seemed as though Alesia Dawn always had to make that "extra effort" just to be accepted by her classmates. It was important to her to be considered "one of the group". No child wants to be perceived as being "different", yet society has always divided itself into "classes" irrespective of individual's feelings.

I would admonish Alesia Dawn that persons who wouldn't accept her for herself were not worthy of her friendship. That's easy for adults to say, but quite another thing for a child to do. I hope I was tolerant enough of Alesia Dawn's situation and didn't add to the burden.

As Alesia Dawn grew, I sensed that the friends she had chosen liked her for the person she was. She had quality friends. Neia, Ashley, Amanda and Danielle were without a doubt her closest friends and gave Alesia a lot of confidence. I'm grateful for their friendships to her.

I miss Alesia Dawn so much!!

Marsha told me that Alesia Dawn's friend, Neia, left a glass rose and a note on Alesia Dawn's headstone. Neia is a good kid. When Neia and Alesia Dawn first started hanging out together, I wasn't quite sure what to think of Neia. As time passed, Neia "grew on me" and I think she was the truest friend Alesia Dawn had. I know this is hard on Neia and I wish I could think of something to say or do to let Neia know how much I appreciate her and the kindness she showed to Alesia Dawn.

A year ago, it seemed as though every evening when I got home, Neia would be there with Alesia Dawn. I'd always say, "What are you two squirrels up to?" That phrase seemed insignificant to me at the time, but evidently Neia had an appreciation for it.

After Alesia Dawn died, Neia gave Marsha, Kristie and me each a gift. I can't recall what she gave Kristie. She gave Marsha a book called Do You Know How Much I Love You. Neia said the book reminded her of Alesia Dawn and Marsha. It is a neat book.

The gift Neia gave me was a gift bag with two stuffed animals inside. The stuffed animals turned out to a couple of "squirrels". These "two squirrels" now share a part of my desk at work and an even bigger part of my heart.

That gesture by Neia means so much. I hope and pray that Neia gets everything that is good in life. Her kindness and generosity has earned her life's rewards. Alesia Dawn's spirit will help guide Neia throughout life as long as Neia keeps Alesia Dawn in her heart. I know she will.

Alesia Dawn's spirit guides me too. If I'm working, playing basketball, golfing, relaxing or anything else, Alesia Dawn is always on my mind and in my heart.

When I think back on Alesia Dawn's life and those instances where I lost my patience with her, I hope she can forgive me and know that I loved her with all my heart. I beat myself up constantly for my shortcomings as Alesia Dawn's Dad and wish there were some way I could make it up to her.

As hard as it is for me to praise God at this point in my life, I still believe in him and pray that he will allow me the opportunity to hold Alesia Dawn in my arms again. What a glorious moment that will be.

There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do to be given the assurance that Alesia Dawn and I will be reunited sometime in the future. I have to believe and hold out that hope or I have nothing.

If you read this, and have a child of your own, imagine not being able to see or hold your child ever again in this lifetime. Imagine having to plan your child's funeral, select a casket and having to decide what clothes to bury your child in. If you can imagine any of that, it might provide just an inkling of the pain that Marsha and I experience every minute of our lives.

For us, it is not a horrible tragedy to only be imagined. It is reality. It's what we wake up to each morning, what we go to sleep with each night and the thoughts that consume our every waking moment.

Just two plots South and one row East of Alesia Dawn's grave, a 17 year old boy, Ryan Jordahl (Kristie's classmate), is buried. Ryan died in an automobile accident less than a month ago. His grave is less than 30 feet from Alesia Dawn's.

When I got to the cemetery last night, there was a woman at Ryan's grave. I watched her as she walked around his grave, stepping on the bigger dirt clods and breaking them into dust, her arms crossed in front of her. She kept her head down and seemed oblivious to the fact that I was there.

I read the note Neia had left for Alesia Dawn and wrote "I Love You" in the dirt next to Alesia Dawn's headstone.

I turned my attention back to the woman at Ryan's grave, thinking she might look up and make eye contact with me. She didn't. She kept her head down and continued to pace back and forth.

I was hesitant to approach her, but decided I should.

I walked toward her and said, "Excuse me". She looked up and it was obvious that she had been crying, although I hadn't heard her. I ask if she was Mrs. Jordahl. She just nodded her head yes and began to cry.

I put my arm around her and told her that we (Marsha and I) knew what she was going through. She said, "It just seems like such a horrible dream, but I know it's real". I told her that time would make it easier but would never take away the pain. She said others had told her the same thing.

I told her we would continue to keep her family in our thoughts. She was very distraught. I hope she knows that I do share her pain and know exactly the emptiness she's feeling.

I got in my car and drove home.

It's been said, "misery loves company". In this instance, I can truthfully say that knowing another parent is experiencing the same "misery" as Marsha and I, in no way lessens our suffering or is consolation in any form. I wish no parent would ever have to bury their child.

Life is a complicated thing. For Ryan's parents and Marsha and me, the rest of our lives will be tainted by our loss. Any event, no matter how joyous, will seem hollow to us. No matter what my outward appearance may convey, inside, my life is "shattered".

March 8, 1999
Marsha and I put new flowers on Alesia Dawn's grave Saturday. We wanted something with bright colors to coincide with the arrival of spring.

I know I'll never get used to the idea of having to go to the cemetery to visit Alesia Dawn.

Each time I go to the cemetery, I'm hoping to find answers or some kind of enlightenment. Occasionally on visits to the cemetery, we've seen deer near Alesia Dawn's grave. The deer seem so peaceful and graceful; it gives me a warm feeling inside to see them. I try my best to approach them, but they always run away before I get too close.

There's a corner of my mind that wants to believe that the deer represent Alesia Dawn's spirit. Maybe they do. It doesn't hurt for me to have those thoughts.

Perhaps, someday, God will give me a sign of Alesia Dawn's eternal happiness and allow me to walk right up and pet one of those deer.

I'm mindful not to disturb things around Alesia Dawn's grave, such as spiders, insects, etc=85 It may seem silly to others, but I hold out the hope that there is a part of Alesia Dawn in everything around her grave.

For some reason, and I know I'm not the only one, I tend to believe that the presence of Alesia Dawn's spirit will be more easily manifested at her gravesite. I guess it's because this is Alesia Dawn's "final resting place" and subconsciously, I liken this to Jesus rolling the stone from the entrance to the tomb.

I want Alesia Dawn's spirit to appear to me in some form. I know that God "works in mysterious ways", but I still want him to present something or some form of encouragement to me in a form that I will be able to comprehend.

March 9, 1999
I went to a Project Graduation meeting last night.

It's amazing how some individuals get so caught up in wanting to have their voice heard; they don't respect what others have to say. That was the case last night as I tried to give an accounting of the golf tournament.

As I tried to speak, I was cut off by at least three individuals. I finally quit "trying" to say anything. These same three "inconsiderate louts" later ask me questions about the golf tournament that would have already been addressed had they been courteous enough to let me finish my report. The important thing was that "these three" got the spotlight, regardless of whom may have been offended as a result.

When someone interrupts while another person is speaking, it's an indication of 1 of 3 things:

1) What you're saying isn't worthy of their attention.
2) They don't respect you enough to even listen to what is being said.
3) They are so incredibly inconsiderate and stupid, they don't realize what an "ass" they are.

As I watched the actions of these individuals, I thought of how completely out of touch "these three" were with reality. In their own selfish, little worlds, they were completely oblivious to the fact that they had "stepped all over me" in an attempt to say something.

I would never do to anyone, or to them, what they did to me. I had opportunities to retaliate as they spoke, but decided not to let myself be drawn down to their level.

Why does God allow "oafs" such as this to travel through life and be afforded the opportunity to watch their "healthy children" grow, while he takes away my precious Alesia Dawn and makes my life a "living hell". The meek shall inherit the earth?

After the meeting, I left to play basketball.

One of my teammates is Rob Darling. Rob is a delightful man. His son Jody also plays on our team. Jody is a good kid and really plays hard. I like playing with both of them.

Rob has another son, Jacob.

I'm not really sure how old Jacob is, but I would guess he's around 13 or 14. Several years ago, Jacob was diagnosed with Luekemia. I don't know if the disease is in remission now or not.

Jacob was at our game last night. He is very frail and small.

Before our game, Jacob was on the court with us shooting baskets. It was all he could do to get the ball to the goal, but that didn't deter him. He just kept shooting.

I heard Jacob ask his dad, "Did you see me make that one?".

Something as simple as making a basket may seem insignificant to most of us, but to Jacob, that was quite an accomplishment. As you can guess, it reminded me of Alesia Dawn. I was so moved by Jacob and how much he reminded me of Alesia Dawn, it was all I could do to keep from "breaking down". There was a lump in my throat as big as the ball Jacob was shooting.

None of us are worthy of the Jacob's and Alesia Dawn's of the world. They are the true heroes. They are the ones that set the standard for the rest of us to live by. I can only hope to be half the person that Alesia Dawn was or that Jacob Darling is.

Seeing Jacob last night made me realize how insignificant the "three dolts" I had to deal with at the Project Graduation meeting really are and how unimportant they are in the scheme of life.

Given the choice of spending a single minute with my "three Project Grad buddies" in exchange for all the worlds' wealth or just shooting baskets with Jacob, I'll take Jacob.

March 10, 1999
We wrapped up our Tuesday night basketball league last night. We finished with a 5-3 record, one game behind Hank's team. The league was extremely balanced. Any one of six different teams could have won the thing.

Hank and I talked on the phone about 30 minutes after he got home from the last game. Kind of like old times. Hank had scored 22 points in his team's double-overtime win and was feeling a lot more confident about his game. A week ago, he was questioning whether he should even continue playing. What a difference a week makes.

Hank and I are both at the stage in our lives that playing basketball requires a lot more effort than it used to. Neither one of us want to concede to playing in a geriatric league, but are smart enough to realize we can't run with the young guys. Growing old is a pain in the butt.

When I was younger, I heard the phrase; "Youth is wasted on the young". At the time, I thought it was a pretty stupid phrase. The older I get, the more I understand the phrase. If I only had my 18-year-old body with the wisdom I've obtained in the 23 years since.

Over the Christmas Holidays, I had cleaned out Alesia Dawn's room and closet.

I sorted her clothes, kept some that had special significance, and boxed up the rest.

Two of our best friends, Peggy and Eric Dameron, have triplet daughters (Taryn, Whitney and Justine). The girls are 12 years old and we had hoped they would be able to use Alesia Dawn's clothes.

On Saturday, February 27th, Peggy and the girls came to get the clothes. The amount of clothes was unbelievable. I was hoping that Peggy didn't feel like we were "dumping on her". We certainly didn't have that in mind, but the shear volume of clothes, to me, was overwhelming.

True to Peggy's personality, she graciously took the "mountain of= clothes".

After Peggy and the girls had left, Marsha and I discussed how well mannered the three girls are, and always have been. All three girls have great personalities and I'm sure Peggy and Eric are very proud of them.

When I got home last night, there were letters from each of the three girls thanking Marsha and I for the clothes. I was happy to hear that they liked, and could use, the clothes. I know Alesia Dawn would be happy too. The fact that the girls took the time to write us letters, defines their character. I will treasure the letters and find a suitable spot to preserve them.

One of the girls had drawn a picture of one of Alesia Dawn's outfits. I recognized the shirt and in my mind I could see Alesia Dawn wearing it. As "corny" as it may sound, a part of Alesia Dawn is in every one of those articles of clothing and these three girls make us proud by wearing them.

March 11, 1999
I went by the cemetery last night. There were 5 deer about 100 yards from Alesia Dawn's grave. I wondered if this might be the sign I was looking for. The deer stood "frozen" and just looked at me.

I stood at Alesia Dawn's grave, crying and asking God to make those deer walk right up to me. Anything that would be an indication that Alesia Dawn is okay.

When you are in a desperate situation, your heart takes over for your mind. You want, and hope for things that otherwise may seem abnormal. I know that wild deer don't typically, or maybe ever, walk up to a human, but my heart wanted so badly for "these deer" to be a sign from God, I honestly thought it would happen.

It didn't.

Nine years ago today we were preparing for Alesia Dawn's heart surgery. As horrible as the days leading up to her surgery were, it can't even begin to compare to the "emptiness" I now face every day.

That March 11th night, Marsha's side of the family had a pizza party for Alesia Dawn. I know they were all praying for Alesia Dawn and wanted to be there to support us. I hope they all know how much we appreciate their love and support.

At one point during the evening, Judy told me she would be praying for Alesia Dawn. I knew she was sincere. Judy has always been very close to both Kristie and Alesia Dawn. She has attended several of the girls school functions.

When Judy told me she was going to be praying, I replied that "I wouldn't be" because if God really cared about Alesia Dawn we wouldn't be facing this in the first place. Judy may not even remember that conversation. If she does, I hope she knew I wasn't being disrespectful to her. I was, and still am, angry with God.

From that point on, church became an insignificant part of my life. I try to be a good person. Sometimes I fail. I talk to God, and feel that I'm lead by his direction and am given insight to questions that I ask him. But, as for attending "a place of worship", that would be hypocritical on my part and I believe God is smart enough to see through it.

God owed Alesia Dawn the same opportunities of life that others have. I hope someday to understand God's seemingly disregard for Alesia Dawn's life here on earth and can only hope that he has chosen to reward Alesia Dawn with the greatest of celestial gifts.

March 12, 1999
Nine years ago, one day before Alesia Dawn's surgery, I discover how helpless a parent can feel as we prepare for the upcoming event.

Marsha and I had been instructed to meet with the heart surgeon, Dr. Holder, and then go to Children's Mercy Hospital and do all the pre-admittance paper work.

We first went to Dr. Holder's office so he could brief us on what to expect. Dr. Holder was very forthright and told us that the x-rays and results of Alesia Dawn's catherization indicated that there were a lot of problems. The chances of recovery from the surgery were about 75%.

I was numb. I watched as Alesia Dawn moved around the room like any typical 5-year-old, completely oblivious to what the Doctor had to say.

I then ask Dr. Holder, "If Alesia does make it through the surgery, what would be her life expectancy?" He said, "mid twenties".

I was completely dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say or think.

I looked at Alesia Dawn, how innocent she was. I thought about how she was going to be a dancer and cheerleader. She was going to a "mommy". She had all the dreams any 5-year-old girl should have.

Alesia Dawn only living to her mid-20's was something I didn't even want to think about. The idea of having Alesia Dawn facing another heart surgery was bad enough, but the thought of her not living a full life just made an unbearable situation even worse.

Little did I realize that someday I could "only hope" to have Alesia Dawn around 'til her mid-20's. To have "one minute" with Alesia Dawn would be worth any price I would have to pay.

From the doctor's office, we went to Children's Mercy Hospital to complete all the preliminary paperwork. I was a nervous wreck. I can only imagine how scared Alesia Dawn must have been. When we finished the paperwork, we headed home.

That night, Alesia Dawn slept between Marsha and I. I hugged Alesia Dawn throughout the night. I tried not to let Alesia Dawn know how scared I was. My heart was breaking in two.

I doubt I slept an hour that night, worrying and wondering if Alesia Dawn would be okay.

March 13, 1999
Nine years ago today, Alesia Dawn had her last open-heart surgery.

We awoke (as if we had ever gone to sleep) around 5:00 that morning. Alesia Dawn was to be at Children's Mercy Hospital around 7:00. We didn't bother waking Alesia Dawn. I just wrapped her in a blanket and picked her up out of the bed.

Grandma Carder was at our house to take care of Kristie.

Before we left, I carried Alesia Dawn into Kristie's bedroom so Kristie and Grandma Carder could kiss her goodbye.

As I carried Alesia Dawn down to the car, I wondered if I would ever bring her back home again. It was too late to change our minds now, but if I wasn't going to be able to bring Alesia Dawn back home again, I didn't want to leave. On the other hand, without the surgery, I knew Alesia Dawn might not have any future. That's a Hell of choice for a parent to make.

As we drove to the hospital, my stomach was in knots. The anticipation of what Alesia Dawn was about to go through was more than I could stand.

When we got to the hospital, we finished up the last of the paper work and waited for the nurse to come get Alesia Dawn. I wanted to hold her and hug her as long as I could, but Alesia Dawn was more interested in playing with the toys in the waiting room.

The nurse finally arrived to get Alesia Dawn. Alesia Dawn didn't want to go and began to cry. Marsha and I tried to reassure her that everything was going to be all right. All the while, our hearts were breaking. As the nurse carried Alesia Dawn down the hallway to the operating room, Alesia Dawn's little arms were stretched out as far as she could reach, begging "Mom and Dad" to take her.

When I think back on that moment, so vividly etched in my mind, I get angry. Why was God making my little girl go through this? Why was he making Marsha and me go through this?

The nurse kept us informed of Alesia Dawn's progress. Each visit from the nurse was comforting because it was always positive news. This went on for about four hours.

After the surgery, Dr. Holder met with Marsha and me. He said the operation was a success and that he was "very encouraged" with Alesia Dawn's outlook. What a relief! When Marsha and I went back to the waiting room to tell everyone the good news, my heart was filled with joy and hope and I could no longer hold back my tears.

Later that afternoon, we visited Alesia Dawn in the Intensive Care Unit. Obviously, she was still "out" from the surgery. Monitors, tubes and wires adorned her bed. Her little lips that always had a bluish tint since birth were now a healthy looking pink.

Marsha and I both bent over Alesia Dawn's bed, stroked her hair and kissed her forehead. Even with everything attached to her, Alesia Dawn had never looked better.

When Alesia Dawn finally woke up, she could barely speak above a whisper because of the tubes she had down her throat during surgery. However, she was able to make herself understood that she wanted the station on the radio next to her bed to be changed. She didn't like that "mellow" music they were playing.

In addition to the radio being changed, the next biggest thing on Alesia Dawn's mind was whether or not her "crayon mugs" had come in the mail. Evidently she had seen an ad in a magazine for some mugs shaped like crayons and ordered them. To Alesia Dawn, that was her number one priority. The innocence of a child.

Each year, thereafter, March 13th had significance for me. On the first anniversary of that surgery, we met with family and friends at Fuddrucker's to celebrate. We never formally celebrated after that first year, but I know that Marsha and I would always say to each other, "Remember where we were today in 1990?" Obviously, we did.

I had always planned to have a big celebration in the year 2000. Ten years. Unfortunately, that March 13th date is now lost in the shadow of July 15th, 1998.

March 15, 1999
Eight months today. Time treads on.

The start of another week. Life seems to have no purpose. We unwillingly go to work each Monday and wait for Friday to arrive. The loss of Alesia Dawn only exacerbates the tedium.

I got new picture frames for Kristie and Alesia Dawn's pictures on my desk. My desk and credenza are adorned with plants, pictures and other articles that remind me what "beautiful and wonderful" daughters I have.

As I was driving out to the cemetery yesterday I tried to figure out which made me angrier; my loss of a daughter or Alesia Dawn's loss of life. That may sound like a stupid statement but something triggered that thought in my mind.

My life has been turned completely upside down. I miss Alesia Dawn so much. I feel, and rightly so, sorry for myself. But, Alesia Dawn being so completely "screwed out" of a chance to live life to the fullest, really bothers me.

Some individual lives seem so miserable; they don't care about living, but are afforded that luxury nonetheless. Alesia Dawn loved life and enjoyed other people. Why did God have to take her away from us or yet, take life away from Alesia Dawn?

March 19, 1999
Up until Monday (the 15th), I hadn't missed a day of logging my thoughts into this document. Unfortunately, I missed writing on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

My original intent on writing this document was to keep track of all the thoughts going through my mind concerning Alesia Dawn. In some respects I've strayed away from that and turned it into somewhat of a diary. I guess that's not a real big issue, but I want the focus of this to be on Alesia Dawn, my thoughts and memories of her, and not about me.

A woman that I've known for years and worked with "off and on" during that time, came by work today.

Years ago, I really enjoyed her company and thought of her as a pretty good friend. In recent years, my perception of her has changed dramatically. I perceive her now as "phony" and "a little bit full of herself".

She came by my office to visit and as she set there and talked, it was all I could do to be cordial to her as she unwittingly made comments that were "flighty" and in a sense disrespectful to "my situation" and Alesia Dawn's memory. Her "Pollyanna" attitude wears a little thin and at best, is contrived.

I don't wish this woman any ill will, but if she and I never spoke again, I wouldn't mind.

As time as gone by, I've learned to be a bit more selective in the person's I choose to have around me. I'm not being judgmental, it's just that since Alesia Dawn died, I've found a great comfort in my closest friends and look at life in a much different perspective.

March 22, 1999
Another Monday. Let's start "the routine" all over again. Eagerly wait for Friday to arrive and then watch as the weekends fly by.

One consolation; spring has arrived. Hopefully the weather will be nicer in the days ahead. Seeing the sunshine makes coping with the loss of Alesia Dawn a bit more tolerable. Gray, rainy days are insufferable.

Judy and Ed came by over the weekend.

Judy took the time to look at all the pictures I had sorted out of Alesia Dawn. I really appreciated that. She didn't just skim over them, she took the time to look at each one and commented on several of them.

We talked more about Alesia Dawn than anyone had in weeks. It helps to talk about Alesia Dawn. I wish more of our friends and family could understand that.

Time diminishes some of our suffering.

As I set in my recliner yesterday afternoon, reading the Sunday paper, I thought about how during the first days after Alesia Dawn died how I didn't bother looking at the paper or even turning on the TV. There was nothing in the papers or on TV that was of any interest to me. At that point in my life, time stood still. I was oblivious to everything.

I guess we are about as close to a "normal" life as we can be under the circumstances. Still, there is an "emptiness" in everything we do.

Peggy, Eric and the girls came up Sunday afternoon. We bowled and went out for Chinese food. I had a really good time and hope they did too.

At one point during the evening, I noticed the shoes that one of the triplets was wearing. I said, "Kristie has a pair of shoes just like yours." I never really thought any more about it.

After Peggy, Eric and the girls left, Marsha told me that the shoes I had commented on used to be Alesia Dawn's.

I felt about an inch tall. How could I have forgotten those shoes?

I'm calling Peggy as soon as I get home tonight to let her know how stupid I feel and apologize if I made anyone uncomfortable. I'm sure she considers the source and knows I'm more than capable of "putting my foot in my mouth".

March 23, 1999
I didn't make it by the cemetery last night.

Now that it stays lighter later, I should be able to visit Alesia Dawn's grave each night after work. The days I don't make it, I feel like I've let Alesia Dawn down.

It's a conscience decision on my part that compels me to want to visit the cemetery each day. Realistically, I know I can "commune" with Alesia Dawn in any setting.

I guess the fact that Alesia Dawn's gravesite is a lasting memorial to her, somehow makes me feel closer to her. To be honest, I really can't put my finger on the specific reason it's so important to me, I just know it is.

Alesia Dawn's grave is all decorated for Easter. Ironically, Easter falls on Alesia Dawn's birthday.

After 8 months I finally got a call from Children's Mercy Hospital about the money that was contributed in Alesia Dawn's name.

On April 9th, at 2:00, they will attach a plaque to an infant scale in the Cardiology clinic bearing Alesia Dawn's name.

March 24, 1999
Each day that passes, I grow angrier.

I should be able to hold Alesia Dawn in my arms, talk to her, watch her grow, share her dreams and comfort her. The reality is, I can't.

I have little patience with the "moaners" and "groaners" I deal with each day. They "bitch" and complain about the most trivial stuff. But you know what? At the end of their "bad" day, they have the hope that the next day will be a better. For me, my nightmare won't end until the day I die. I wonder if they would like to trade places with me?=20

I have two choices; learn to cope with my loss or kill myself. I've chosen the former of the two, but it is not easy.

I'm thinking that I could deal with my situation better if I became more "withdrawn". The people I deal with on a daily basis seem to perceive my demeanor as "life as usual". That couldn't be further from the truth.

Very few of our friends even acknowledge Alesia Dawn's death anymore. Even some family members seem to avoid even mentioning Alesia Dawn's name.

Each day that passes, I have a tendency to gravitate toward the individuals that seem to care about our situation.

Each week since Alesia Dawn died, Larry and Debbi (Newcomer) have, without fail, called or came by to "check" on us. Their unwavering concern for us has been a "ray of light" in this otherwise "tunnel of darkness". Their efforts are very much appreciated.

March 25, 1999
I didn't win the lottery last night so I guess I'll have to work at least through Friday. If my numbers come up in Saturday's drawing, I'll be golfing at this time next week and every week after that.

Playing the lottery gives individuals like me the chance to "dream" a little. I'm not so caught up with the idea of being wealthy, I'd just like the opportunity to spend my time as I want and not be "tied" to a 40-hour workweek the rest of my life.

The night Alesia Dawn died, I had just gotten my Powerball ticket out of my billfold and turned on the TV in the bedroom to watch the drawing.

Kristie had just purchased a new camera for our upcoming vacation. She stepped into my bedroom doorway and took my picture.

Kristie then stepped across the hallway into Alesia Dawn's bedroom.

Kristie screamed, "Dad, get in here!"

My first reaction was that Kristie had seen a big spider or something like that. Before I could hardly make a move, Kristie screamed, "It's Alesia Dawn. She's not breathing. God, you've got to do something." Needless to say, she was hysterical.

By the time I got to Alesia Dawn's bedroom, Marsha was there too.

I took one look at Alesia Dawn and I feared she was already "gone".

I picked her up in my arms and put my mouth over hers and breathed into her. All I could hear was a "rattle" in her throat. I felt so helpless. I just held her against me and began to cry.

Someone called 911 and Josh attempted to give Alesia Dawn CPR with the help of someone on the other end of the phone.

My mind was racing. What could we do? How could this be happening? I kept saying, "God, you've got to help Alesia Dawn."

We called all our family and said, "Please, please pray for Alesia Dawn!"

The EMT's worked with Alesia Dawn. The lights from the ambulance lit up the neighborhood. Our neighbors stood with us and tried the comfort us. The scene outside our house was bedlam.

I had asked Josh to call Hank and Randy Messer.

Randy is about as close to God as anybody I know and I wanted him there with us. Within minutes, Randy was there.

Hank was at a basketball game at his gym, but didn't have a car. John Kilmer was playing in the game, but stopped playing so he could bring Hank to the house. John is a "super nice" guy and I could tell by the look on his face that night that he was concerned.

One of the Jackson County sheriffs was on the scene and kept everyone out of the house while the EMT's tried to revive Alesia Dawn. That was frustrating to me. I wanted to be right by Alesia Dawn's side.

After what seemed like hours, the EMT's finally brought Alesia Dawn out on a gurney and put her in the ambulance.

They said they had some activity coming from Alesia Dawn's heart, but it was minimal. They were going to transport her to St. Mary's hospital in Blue Springs. We wanted her taken to Children's Mercy Hospital but the EMT's felt Alesia Dawn had to be taken to the closest hospital if she was to have any chance of surviving.

The EMT's left and the Jackson County sheriff told us to drive as fast as we needed to get to the hospital, but to be careful. He said he would phone ahead to let everyone know the situation.

Randy got in his car. Hank insisted on driving my car instead of me.

Marsha, Kristie and I got in the car with Hank and headed for the hospital. The needle on the speedometer was "pegged". The car couldn't go any faster. Halfway into the 10-mile trip, my car began to overheat. We could smell antifreeze, but we had to keep going. The car was the least of my concerns.

Hank let us off at the emergency room door.

All of Marsha's family was already at the hospital. Our hearts were "in our throats" as we went to waiting room, hoping for a miracle but fearing the worst.

I have no idea how long we set there before the doctor came out of the emergency room.

He ask if I was Mr. Carder and I said, "Yes".

The doctor then said the words that will haunt me until the day I die, "I'm sorry, but we weren't able to save her".

I just put my head down, grabbed the back of my neck and cried.

How could this have happened? Why did it have to happen? My world was shattered.

After a few minutes, I looked up and told Randy, "You know, the only thing in life I ever wanted was for my kids to be healthy."

Shortly after that, a nurse took us back to a room where Alesia Dawn was.

There she was. My little girl, laying on the gurney, motionless, as if she were just sleeping.

Marsha, Kristie and I "draped" ourselves over Alesia Dawn in an effort to get as close to her as possible. I finally set down in a chair next to the gurney. I held Alesia Dawn's hand and stroked her hair and face. Marsha and Kristie stood next to the gurney and also hugged, patted and kissed Alesia Dawn.

Each member of the family came into the room as well as Hank, Josh and Randy.

I set in that chair, touching Alesia Dawn until a nurse came to tell us they were taking Alesia Dawn.

She said they would have to perform an autopsy because Alesia Dawn was under the age of 18. She ask if I wanted any of Alesia Dawn's organs donated. I said no. I really wasn't in any condition or state of mind to make any decision.

Somehow, Hank's van was now at the hospital. Marsha, Kristie, Josh and I got in the van with Hank and headed home. I had no idea what time it was, nor did I care. From Blue Springs to Oak Grove, I just stared into space.

Within a period of a few hours, I had gone from the exhilaration and anticipation of our upcoming vacation to the depths of despair. How could I (we) go on without Alesia Dawn being there to share life with us.

As we drove into the driveway, it still seemed like a horrible nightmare. Regardless of the thousands of times I had pulled into that driveway, it suddenly took on a different "appearance". Our "home" now seemed to be just a "building". I didn't even care to go inside.

By now, it was early morning. Doug and Bob came to the house as did several friends. I didn't know what to say to any of them. I knew they understood. The fact that they were there showed the love and concern each had for Alesia Dawn, Marsha, Kristie and me. Any one of the persons at our house would have "walked through fire" to take away our pain. I can say that with confidence.

For the remainder of the morning, I sat in my "normal" spot on the loveseat. I was completely numb.

At some point, I got up and went back to the bedroom. Everything was just like it was when Kristie had stepped in to take my picture, as if nothing had happened.

I saw my Powerball ticket by the TV. Just hours before, that ticket seemed awfully important. Now, it was just a piece of paper.

I'm not a scholar on the Bible by any stretch of the imagination, but I do know there is a verse in the 8th chapter of Mark that says, "What shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?"

I remember Bob saying that he too had a Powerball ticket that night and as he was driving to Oak Grove, he thought to himself, "What would Eighty million dollars mean if Alesia Dawn died? It wouldn't mean anything."

No matter what earthly possessions I may obtain in my lifetime or whatever wealth I may accumulate before I die, it can never begin to bring comfort for the loss of Alesia Dawn.

"What shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his child?"

March 26,1999
Friday, the end of another week, another day closer to my reunion with Alesia Dawn.

Marsha, Kristie and I are meeting Mary Lynn O'Conner for lunch today at K.C. Masterpiece in Overland Park.

Mary Lynn and I worked together for around 6 years (I think). She is a good friend and has shown a lot of support and concern for us since Alesia Dawn died.

Mary Lynn and I had an agreement that whichever one of us found a new job first, would have to buy lunch for the other. Obviously she "won". Her last day at Dit-Mco was to be Friday, July 24th. We had already made plans to do "the lunch" on July 17th because I was going to be on vacation during her last week. Needless to say, we didn't do lunch that Friday.

There is such an "irony" to the friendships one develops at work. For weeks, months and years you see and talk to someone 5 days out of each week, 50 weeks a year and then suddenly that person is no longer around. It's really kind of sad.

I have made a lot of good friends over the years at the different places I've worked. It's a pity that I've lost contact with a good number of them. I only have myself to blame for that. All I have to do is pick up the phone.

Sadly, though, the more time that passes between contact erases the commonality between friends. Personalities change. Viewpoints change and the "friends" you once knew, now seem like strangers.

Dan Fogleberg's, Another Auld Lang Syne describes "lost friendship" more vividly than I could even begin to.

After work, Marsha and I will go by the funeral home and check out the rework on Alesia Dawn's headstone. They're attempting to remove some of the grain from the back of the headstone so it will be easier to read.

I hope it works. Alesia Dawn deserves the "best".

March 29, 1999
The start of another week. I'm thrilled to be at work.

When I first started writing these daily thoughts, I told myself I would continue it through April 1. That would be two full months. Hard to believe that my self-imposed deadline is now only 3 days away.

There are a select group of individuals with whom I want to share this document. I hope that by reading it, they might better understand my situation. That's not to sound self-centered, because I'm not trying to convey this to "everyone", just the persons that I know care about my feelings.

I also hope that anything I've written is not offensive to anyone. That was never my intention. None of my animosity is directed toward anyone I would let read this document.

Marsha and I checked out Alesia Dawn's headstone Friday afternoon and gave them our approval. They had etched the back and it is much easier to read. By Saturday, they had the headstone back in place.

On Sunday, I went by the cemetery on my way home from golfing. Alesia Dawn's picture is now attached to the headstone. It looks nice and is a fitting monument to a "wonderful kid".

I got to the cemetery about 3:00 that afternoon. After I went to Alesia Dawn's grave, I got back into my car and set there for an hour listening to inspirational music. It was very relaxing. A light breeze blew through the windows of my car and I was lost in thought. Every once in a while I would look out the window at Alesia Dawn's headstone.

There are no words or thoughts in the English language that can express how much I miss Alesia Dawn.

Shortly after I had gotten home Sunday afternoon, Marsha came home and the two of us went back to the cemetery.

By coincidence, John and Stephanie, drove into the cemetery just ahead of us. They had brought a pinwheel to put on Alesia Dawn's grave. They had written on it how much they loved and missed Alesia Dawn.

Efforts like that mean a lot to me.

Today (Monday) has been a horrible day. As Alesia Dawn's birthday approaches, my thoughts of her become more intense (as if they could) and my patience wears thin for the trivial problems and "little people" I encounter each day.

March 30, 1999
Marsha and I went by the cemetery last night. On our way home, we were driving North on cemetery road and saw 11 deer in the front yard of one of the new homes.

I keep hoping that the deer we see at and around the cemetery are somehow an indication of a forthcoming "sign". The deer represent so many positive things, i.e., gracefulness, innocence, beauty, freedom and gentleness. The same qualities that Alesia Dawn possessed, although the gracefulness may be a stretch.

Alesia Dawn was finally to a point in her life that she had the confidence to be her "own person". I think that making the cheerleading squad showed her that persistence, in most cases, pays off.

I hope Alesia Dawn knew how proud I was of her and how much I loved her.

I miss Alesia Dawn more with the passing of each day.

March 31, 1999
The last day of March. 37 weeks since Alesia Dawn died.

After all this time, that phrase, "Alesia Dawn died", still seems cold and callused. It seems like there should be a better way to say it; "God took Alesia Dawn", "Alesia Dawn left us". I guess there's really no "good" way to say something, that in my mind, was a mistake on God's part.

I wonder if God ever admits his mistakes?

God made everything. He has the power to change or do anything. No body or no "thing" could stop him if he said, "Hey, wait a minute. I made a mistake here. Alesia Dawn wasn't supposed to die. I "screwed up". I'm giving her back to her family and friends on earth and we'll just go on from this point as if nothing had happened."

Just because it hasn't been done before (not counting biblical accounts), is no reason it couldn't be done now.

Wouldn't that make believers out of all mankind. It certainly would restore my confidence in a kind and loving God.

With the Easter Holiday coming up and the fact that it falls on Alesia Dawn's birthday, what a more appropriate time to hold another resurrection.

April 1, 1999
This is it. My self-imposed deadline has arrived. Today will be the end of a two-month journey. I've composed this document during lunch breaks, sometimes during working hours and in the early morning before others arrive for work. It's 6:30 in the morning as I type this.

I chose this date as a conclusion because I'm doing this on my "work" computer and this is the last working day before Alesia Dawn's birthday.

A year ago at this time we were planning Alesia Dawn's big 14th birthday celebration. She was so excited. Alesia Dawn and Neia (her birthday is on the 3rd) were going to celebrate their birthdays together with a big party at Hank's gym.

It was a big party. Thank goodness we took a lot of pictures.

Alesia Dawn may not be here physically, but we will celebrate her birthday on Sunday nonetheless. Why wouldn't we? It will be sad, but it will be an opportunity for us to share and honor Alesia Dawn's memory with family and friends.

At 3:00 on Easter Sunday, the 4th, Alesia Dawn's birthday, we are going to have a big circle prayer at Alesia Dawn's gravesite. There will be a lot of friends and family there. Randy Messer said he would be there to offer the prayer and share some thoughts. This will be a sad occasion, but we owe it to Alesia Dawn.

I am so sad at this moment I can barely contain my tears. My co-workers begin to "trickle" in, joking, laughing, and smiling. Why wouldn't they be? Tomorrow starts a three-day weekend. All of them have "ALL" of their children to share the Easter Holiday with. They don't have a clue how miserable my life is.

Each holiday since Alesia Dawn's death has been traumatic. With Easter falling on Alesia Dawn's birthday, I've got a feeling this is going to be the worst.

I'm expecting a miracle on Easter Sunday. It may not happen, but I think it will. I think God is going to give me that "glimmer of hope" that I've been waiting for. I don't know how, but I believe it's going to= happen.

As I close on my "two-month journey", I'm reminded of a popular poem called "Footprints in the Sand". I'm not sure who wrote it.

The poem is about how a man looks upon footprints in sand that parallel with his life. He notes that during the "good times" in his life there are two sets of footprints. However, during the troubled times of his life there are only one set of footprints.

Jesus explains to the man that during those "good times", where there are two sets of footprints, "I walked beside you".

Confused, the man ask Jesus, "Why then, during the troubled times, did I travel alone?"

Jesus answered, "During those troubled times, I carried you."

Very profound thoughts and up until Alesia Dawn's death, I thought the poem to be "thought provoking" by making one realize that Jesus and God continually are by our side.

However, since Alesia Dawn's death, I've concluded that the man in the poem must have been a "loner".

As I look back on my own life and the "footprints in the sand", during the good times, there are two sets of footprints.

But as I look at the sand during the troubled times in my life, I don't see just a single set of footprints, I see more footprints than I can count. For during those troubled times, my friends and family "carried me".

The sand will continue to show Jesus (God's) footprints, and mine but now there will be another set of footprints - Alesia Dawn's. I will hold her hand in mine and she will guide me throughout the days of my life.

I was lucky to have a daughter like Alesia Dawn. Unlucky that I only had her for 14 years.

I Love You, Alesia Dawn

(\o/)

 /_\

 ADC