It is truly a pity that many of you did not know Joshua. He was a father's dream.

I have tried numerous times to write my thoughts of Josh. Each time I have had to stop for fear of doing some injustice to his memory. As I compiled these web pages I wanted to make you cry, to drain you emotionally. It seems that there was just no other way of making you see what a beautiful child he really was. Maybe somewhere along the way as you read you too felt the ache in your heart. I want the world to cry and to mourn with me the loss of a little boy. He so deserves it.

The last time I saw my son conscious, he was yelping and gasping for air. All I could do was kiss him, all I could say was, "I know." I knew that he was straining to breathe, that he was suffering, that he had suffered intensely in the past. It was okay though, they would relieve his suffering and later he wouldn't remember a thing. That is just the way God made babies, they forgive and forget. An hour later he was on the respirator for the final time. Three weeks later he would die, still on the respirator. Had I let my sweet little boy go without saying good-bye. Did I fail as a father? God will answer me, of that I am sure. He always does. If I could only clear that horrid image from my head.

The opening lines of C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed" say:

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, yawning. I keep on swallowing."

What do I fear? Maybe now that he was here I feel alone? Possibly that while he was alive I failed to give or do all that a daddy should. I know deep in my heart that this is a real fear, one I am certain about. Whether or not it is justified only God knows. Many will say that these are all feelings that are common among those in our predicament. They will say all manner of things in well meaning attempts at alleviating your suffering. None of them really comfort a great deal however. The strange part is that you want to wallow, you want to feel the aching heart, it assures you that you do really miss him and that you have not started to forget.

When he was first born and we were told of his Down's Syndrome I was devastated. I didn't feel as though I had been cheated. Rather, as I looked at that beautiful little boy lying on the warming table, so helpless and innocent, I felt so terribly sorry for him. As thoughts of all the struggles that would lie before him came flooding in I questioned my own competence. How did God know that I could give to this lad all that he would need to make it? Maybe God never intended to leave him here. If that is the case then I had better get on with trying to learn why Josh was here. I know deep inside that his life could not have been in vain. He was far too beautiful.

Shortly after his birth, I told Michele that all I wanted for him, so that he might be truly happy, was for him to know his parents, to know love, to be able to walk and talk, even if it took longer than the "normal" child, and above all to know the love that his God had for him.

Josh knew his God, he knew his God from the beginning. Many were the times when we would lie on the bed and he would turn his head to look at a statue of Jesus or the Blessed Mother and immediately grin from ear to ear. He would stare, as if in a trance, smiling all the while. When he was ready to return to your entertainment he would, but not before. He did the same with the statue of St. Francis. These were not isolated events, the same thing happened every time he looked at those statues. Some may say it's silly but it seemed as though he knew what they represented, he knew what they were saying. Yes, he knew his God. Far more than any of us could ever have taught him did he know his God.

I am proud, so very proud of my son. He is to all of us a lesson in purity. When I consider the 500 or so people that stopped by for his wake or funeral and realize that he was alive for under 6 months I can only conclude that he truly was special, a child called by God.