My husband, 4 yr old daughter and I went to my 39 week checkup to listen to the baby's heartbeat. I was hoping that this would be my last appt because I was due in 10 days. I was still working and wasn't really paying close attention to movement that day. Mostly because I was having a lot of B-Hicks and because I figured that the baby was quieting down getting ready to be born. My first pregnancy and delivery were easy so I wasn't too worried. We were ready. The room was prepared and my bag was packed. My daughter couldn't wait to be a big sister. She had been talking and singing to my stomach for months. When the midwife tried to get the heartbeat, she couldn't find one. She was desperately pressing harder and harder. Even though she didn't say it, panic was written all over her face. She calmly said that she thought we should go to the hospital to have an ultrasound because she was having trouble finding a heatbeat. While she was calling the hosp, I broke down in tears. I was trying to keep up a good front for my daughter's sake, but I knew that the baby was gone. Once we got to the ultrasound dept, we had to wait 45mins, which seemed like an eternity. Fortunately, that gave my midwife time to finish her last appt and come to the hosp. My husband had to sit in the waiting area w/ my daughter. In 30 seconds, I could read the bad news in their faces. We cried together then my husband & daughter came in. My daughter was very upset. Especially because she wasn't going to be able to give the baby the gift that she had picked out months before. We made a few calls. I waited in an LDR while he waited for someone to pick up Alysha. They broke my water hoping that it would bring on labor. It was very stained and I knew that it was over. I ended up on Pit. I was sick. I ended up having an epidural after about 4 hours. It was hell. I just wanted them to turn it up and get it over with. We didn't know whether it was a girl or boy and that was the only thing I had to look forward to. At 7:15am, Gianna quietly came into the world @ 7lbs 2 oz. The nurses, etc were great. We got to hold her for as long as we wanted. We had our moms come up. The priest and sister from the hosp. came up and did a small service, which the nurses & midwives attended. They made a big difference in how I think I'm handling this now. After we let them take her for the autopsy, I had to leave the hospital. It was emotionally impossible for me to stay. I just wanted my own bed and my daughter, friends & family around me. We buried her 5 days later, on our 9th anniversary. We let my daughter see her before the funeral and give Gianna the stuffed animal she had picked out. I think that her actually being able to see the baby made it real to her. We've gotten back preliminary results but so far there's nothing conclusive. The cord was around her neck when she was born but my midwife still talks about the possibility that she was leaning on it. She also had only 2 blood vessels in the cord rather than 3. But this is a fairly common occurence and usually doesn't cause problems. Early in my pregnancy, I was diagnosed as being a Beta Strep carrier and we had planned on IV antibiotics in labor. They found GBS in her liver and lungs. I don't know if that was the problem or not. We may never know. I want to have another baby soon. I know it won't be a replacement and I don't want it to be. I have all this love to share and we really wanted a second child, so hopefully we'll have a third. I'm also scared to death. My only consolation is that now we have our own little angel. Gianna, Mommy, Daddy & your big sister Alysha love you and miss you very much!!!!

Your website is great. It really helped me get through the first 6 weeks. It was nice to know that I'm not the only one.

It's still too soon. Just remember that we all grieve in our own way. We are fortunate to be surrounded by friends, family and strangers who have gone out of our way to support us.

I was 14 weeks before I found out I was pregnant with Josiah in Jan of 98. Two weeks later I awoke from a dream with the name Josiah. I had felt sure I was going to have a little girl, but then I knew God had given me my fourth son. An hour later it was confirmed in ultrasound. This name Josiah took on a special meaning to me,because I knew it was given to me by God. Little did I know that on March 31,98 our lives would be changed forever. It was found in a routine ultrasound Josiah had no kidneys(Renal Agenesis). Josiah was given no chance of survival outside the womb. At this point I believed God wanted me to wait on him for a miracle. People could not believe my strength, but it was my weakness that made me strong. Corinthians 12:9 says it perfectly. "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strenth is made perfect in weakness". On June 2, 98 all the way to the hospital I prayed for the Lords will, because my will would be to stop my labor because it was to early(July 29,98 was the due date). I barely made it to the hospital in one push 5 min. later with just nurses to witness I delivered Josiah breech 4lbs. 5oz. He died peacefully in my arms 3 hrs later. I have no regrets because I know it was God's will not my own. Josiah's life was a miracle just not the kind I had imagined.

Thank you for allowing me to share my journey of faith with you. I hope our story strengthened your faith and encouraged your soul to know that we are not living our lives for today but for eternity. It is there we will be rewarded for our suffering. I can imagine no greater joy than being greated by Jesus with my infant son in his arms to embrace for all eternity. Please feel free to contact me at my Email address. Thank you again, Stacy

I would like to share with you a poem that I wrote, however, the words are not mine they come from above. I know now they were not just meant for me but, for you also. IF ONLY FOR AWILE. I'll lend you for a little time, a child of mine, He said. For you to love while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead. It may be hours, days, or years, six to sixty three. But, will you, till I call him back, take care of him for Me? You will see his sweet beautiful face, even though his stay is brief. You will have that in your memories as solace for your grief. I could not promise his stay, since all from earth return. But, there are lessons taught down there I needed his family and friends to learn. I've looked the wide world over in my search for someone who, would let this child grow and live, and speak my word as true. Thank you for your love, your labor was not in vain. You did not ever turn from me even in your suffering and pain. I heard you say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done. For all the lives our child will touch the risk of grief we will run. We held him in our arms if only for awile. Then we felt God's arms embrace our son, and saw the angels smile. Even though You called for him much sooner the we planned, We will brave the bitter grief, because soon we will face eternity and then we will understand.... We love you Josiah, Mommy, Daddy, Jared, Jordan, and Joshua

early in my pregnancy we discovered naomi wasn't growing up to speed therefore we ran amino tests and took lots of ultrasounds, all with negative results. all seemed to be going well, except I couldn't feel her move well into the 6 month. by 29 weeks the ultrasound came up with a lag in growth of her abdomen, by several weeks, she then became a high risk pregnancy. three days later, after steroid shots and daily monitoring, it became necessary to deliver her by c-section. this is my first pregnancy, my first experience in the hospital, I was terrified. as soon as they cut naomi's cord, her heart rate dropped and she was lost to us 10 minutes later. she weighed 1 lb 4 oz. She was horribly deformed. i was in shock and have now gone through serious grieving and am on anti-depressants...we have to other children and are waiting for genetic testing results to forecast our future for having children. it has been 6 weeks since she was born and lost. we miss her.can someone relate? anna demott

Little Girl, you gave us a beautiful dream. We want you to share that dream with God now, because we will dream again. We will dream again.

Although our son was not planned, he was loved from the day we found out he would be gracing our lives with his. For the first few months of my pregnancy, I didn't have any problems. In the last few months my blood pressure began to elevate. Soon I started gaining a lot of weight and having horrible swelling. According to my doctor this was normal and his instructions were to put my feet up when I got home from work and sleep on my left side. I trusted him to know what he was talking about and to know what was best for me and our baby. I was wrong and so was he. Four days before my due date, we realized that the baby was not moving. Looking back I could not remember the last time that he had moved. We called the doctor and he told us to go to the hospital and get hooked up to the monitor. The whole way to the hospital, Tony promised me that everything would be ok. That was the fist time he ever broke his promise. When we got to the hospital they tried to listen for a heart beat but could not find one. I knew then that my baby had died. Then they tried to find a heart beat on a sonogram and again they could not. At that moment my whole world colapsed. Our baby, our son, had died. They called the doctor and began to run tests on me, which supposedly showed nothing. By this time it was 2:30 a.m. and they wanted to begin the induction right then. We wanted to go home and come back later, the doctor agreed. As instructed we returned to the hospital at 8:00 a.m. and they began the induction at 10:00. I was drugged most of the time and was given an epidural, so I didn't feel much during my many hours of labor. 35 1/2 hours after begining the induction, I delivered our 10 pound 3 ounce Jordan. He was beautiful. Tons of curly brown hair, big hands and feet. He looked just as I had pictured him. As it turns out my baby died from asphixation as a result of me having toxemia. I know that it was God's plan for this to happen and I feel better knowing that I have a special Guardian Angel in heaven watching over me, although that does not erase the pain that we feel. I feel I am blessed that I have the possibility of having more children, but no one could ever take the place of our Beautiful Jordan.

A lady in my support group told me about this website and I have been on it everyday since I found it. I am sad that there are so many people with these sad stories, but glad that there is a place like this that we can talk with others understand the pain that we are experiencing.

I have been told that God has a plan for each and every one of us and it is His will that things happen. There is a scripture in the bible that helps me to belive that this is true:"For I know well the plans I have in mind for you," says the Lord, "plans for your welfare, not your woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope." Keep your faith in God and know that we may not understand why he does the things he does, but he has a plan for our life and he would not give us anything that we could not handle with his love and support.

Our child was born 10 weeks premature. Sonograms showed that I had excess amniotic fluid, perhaps a GI prob.Brianna also showed a problem with one kidney being enlarged and a slight enlargement of the left ventricle. The day before I went into labor, the sonogram showed fluid in the stomach. I was sent home to count kicks every few hours. That night I went into labor and the dr tried to stop it. When she was born 20 hours later the dr said this baby had to come. She had hydrops and was critical. The hospital staff got her off the ventilator after a week and she was on the road to recovery. We were hoping to tak her home by the beginning of Oct. Instead, 2 1/2 weeks before we found out her left ventricle was thickening. It closed by about 50%. One week later, the echo showed it had doubled again, so we figured we had about a week left. All the genetic tests have been negative so we still have no answers. The drs were surprised how fast she went. We spent every day at the hospital, but the last few days we spent every moment. We got to hold her when she passed and I sang Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. It use to make her go to sleep when she was fussing. I know it was hard the last 16 hours. Breathing was difficult and she had to be given morphine. Its like they drown in their fluids. She was so peaceful though when she left. I pray that she is an angel watching us because I find comfort knowing that. She had the most beautiful blue eyes and she was so attentive. She had a dalmatian mobile the hospital loaned us. It was sort of ironic that she spent 101 days here. I sent her doggies with her. We love her so much and it is difficult getting through the day. We wait for the day we will rejoin her again, our little angel. She had an impact on a lot of lives in her short time. 101 days was 100 more than we needed to know how we truly love you.We love you, little girl.

Thank you for allowing me to share and visit your site for others who have shared. It is some cofort at such a hard time.

I wish I had some wisdom. I am thankful medicine helped her for 101 days. Without it she would have died at birth and I wouldn't have known as much of the love I got to know. I will always remember sleeping in that chair2 nights before her death and opening my eyes and looking at her wide awake looking at me. That was special. If only for that moment, but fortunately I had many more moments with the bad ones that make me thankful for our time together. I pray we are still together, for that is what comforts me. I love you Brianna

My son Ron was a handsome, intelligent and funny 17 year old. He had had many difficult times in his life but seemed to have come through them well. He had several friends who had commited suicide and unfortunately he had more than he could take and ended his life on this earth by hanging. In his time here he made many people happy including me and I miss him with all of my being.

I just want to talk with others who have lost children.

I have learned to enjoy my memories and take one day at a time. I have also learned that the words better do not fit as far as feelings go. It just becomes different and easier to cope, one day at a time.

Aaron Matthew was born by C-section at 8:10AM on Thursday, June 23, 1994. He was our second son and we were thrilled to welcome him to our family. Aaron started having trouble breathing shortly after he was born and was immediately put on oxygen. We were told this was a complication from having water in the lungs and he would be transfered to the nearest Neo-natal Unit. When the ambulance arrived to get Aaron, the Neo-natal nurse said she wasn't sure if water in the lungs was the reason for his distress and that he would probably be transferred to the Neo-natal Unit in Edmonton. While we were celebrating Aaron's birth (people visting, bringing gifts and flowers), we learned later on that Aaron almost died without us even knowing! When he arrived in Edmonton, the Doctors there discovered that Aaron had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome and he was going to die. We received the call that night from the Doctor telling us that Aaron was dying from a congenital heart defect, that he was on life support and we needed to come as quickly as possible in order to say good-bye. I screamed and cried "NO!" and my husband hung his head down and cried. It was like someone came into the room and ripped our hearts out of our chests. We were transported by ambulance to the Neo-natal unit and when we got there, I was wheeled into this huge room with all sorts of bells and alarms going off. I felt like I was watching a movie and that this wasn't happening - I was having a terrible nightmare and I was going to wake up soon!! And I remember seeing a bunch of nurses and doctors standing around this one baby and I thought "That child is very sick, poor thing!" and it turned out to be my child! He looked so helpless, tubes everywhere and when the machine clicked, his little chest moved. We had brought Aaron a teddy bear from his big brother and I laid it beside him. The doctors told us that there was no chance for his survival. My husband kept saying "Give him a new heart, make my son better". But there was nothing they could do. We sat with him for over 4 hours and then we decided to let him go. The nurses removed the tubes and they took him off life support and rapped him in a blanket and I got to hold my son for the first and last time. I don't remember crying even though I know I did, this was all so unbelievable, it just couldn't be happening. He was so beautiful, he looked so peaceful. I was hoping he would look at me but I knew it wasn't going to happen. I said to him "We love you and we'll miss you" and I kissed him good-bye. He then died in my arms. I remember waking up the next morning hearing a baby cry next to me but it wasn't mine. The nurses were helping a new Mom with feeding and I started to cry. My Doctor was there and she told me she was so sorry. The nurses at the Neo-natal Unit made up a folder about Aaron with pictures they took of us before he died. They also cut some of his hair to keep and took prints of his tiny little hands and feet. I blamed myself for a very long time about his death, even though I was told it wasn't my fault. I did everything right during my pregnancy that I was suppose to do, so how could this of happened? We will never understand why but I know that it has taught me to NOT take advantage of life!

I think this is a wonderful way for a parent/parents who have suffered the loss of a child to express their feelings. I sometimes have a hard time talking with people about Aaron. It makes them feel uncomfortable and I can sense it. I believe the best medicine is communicating with people who really know what this whole experience feels like. MISS is a wonderful way to help get through this pain.

If somebody asked me if I would like to re-live through Aaron's birth again, I would definately say "Yes!". For as much pain and suffering that we have gone through, it still would be worth it. He is our son and even if our time on Earth with him was short, he has still affected our lives in so many ways. I don't think there is a "certain" time to overcome the loss of a child, I think it remains with you forever. I really thought when this happened, that I would never get back up on my feet again but I did. Don't get me wrong, I still think of Aaron always, still cry often and he will always be apart of me until the day I die. I hope that someday your tears of pain become smiles of joy. Never give up on yourself and always know that no matter what, you'll get through this. I will always be grateful for having the opprotunity to have such a beautiful child even if it was for a short time. I hope someday that you will feel the same way too.

Our son Douglas died from heart failure in utero. He was diagnosed with a tumor (sacrococcogeal teratoma) September 15th when we went in for our 20 week ultrasound. This occurs in one out of every 40,000 births and 75% of these teratomas are in baby girls. He was so perfect in the ultrasound except for this large tumor growing off his rear end. That was the last time we saw him alive. I refused to end the pregnancy even though I was told Douglas would die. We hoped he'd live, but his little heart couldn't keep up with the demands of the large tumor. Six days later we went to the doctor to hear his hearbeat, but it wasn't there. Thankfully I was determined (despite the insistence of others that I have a D&E - where they cut up the baby to take it out - procedure takes less than an hour) to deliver Douglas and see him. Induced labor is painful and every bad side effect that could happen did happen to me (vomiting, diarrhea, allergy to epidural medication). But 18 hours later my beautiful baby boy was born. He was a little piece of heaven on earth! I wish I'd done a lot more at the hospital for him. I wish I'd spent more time with him and can you believe it, I forgot to give him a kiss! I miss him so very much. I kept wishing my heart would stop beating, too so I could be with him. It's been almost three weeks since Douglas was born. My milk has come in and I'm donating it to a milk bank. It's one of the things that I do to make me realize that I am a mother even though my baby isn't with me. Now I'm doing everything I can to keep his memory alive - memorial service, announcements, baby quilt I'll add to over the years, framed photos, baby album, journal. I want Douglas to know that this isn't goodbye...

I think it's very important to create as many memories as you can with your baby, no matter when the loss occurs. Don't listen to the advice of others. Do what is in your heart. That will bring you the most peace and help you deal with the grief.

A friend told me that we grieve deeply for the people who we loved the most and who gave us the most happiness. When I get so caught up in the loss of my baby boy, I like to remember those words. They remind me that for the months that I carried Douglas, I recieved a lot of love and a lot of happiness from him. That love didn't disappear when I lost him. Douglas' spirit and his love surround me always. His memory enriches my life.

I was on my way home from my final doctor's visit to the ob-gyn. I had passed my due date 2 weeks ago, and the doctor had just slipped up and told me my baby was a boy. We were so excited, we neglected to put on our seatbelts, this one time. We didn't even make it home. A big pickup truck crossed the center line and smashed into us. My arm snapped in two, and my water brokeBut I was not too alarmed, since I was nine months and then some. What I didn't know was that my placenta had separated, and my baby was suffocating. He lived a short time, kept alive by machines in the neonatal intensive care ward. But his body began to shut down, and finally we agreed to turn off the machines. It was especially tragic for a number of reasons I won't go into. My reason for being here is not to find comfort, as this all happened to me eight years ago. Instead I hope to find someone I can help, from the perspective of a survivor of the worst experience life has to offer.

People said to me, "I don't know how you do it; I would just die." Well, the thing is, you don't get a choice about that. Given the choice I would gladly have died, eight years ago. I felt my life was ruined irreparably. But whaddya know, every morning I kept waking up.