The suggestions for handling holiday grief were printed with permission by Accord Aftercare services. For more information on their organization, please call 800-346-1927
The Holidays are coming! For many, the holidays are a joyous time of year. It if often a time for families to gather together in celebration of the love they share. But when the family circle has been broken by the death of a child, the only things that sparkle are tears. Instead of abridging excitement, the holiday season can be a reminder of the terrible hole in the family fabric.
Facing the holiday season can be one of the most challenging and difficult experiences the bereaved must endure. The traditional season extends into many weeks of anticipation, expectations, fears, sadness and stress. We try to recapture what we once had or try to create the holidays that we never had with our beautiful child. When the sights and sounds of the approaching holidays surround us, we are reminded again and again that our lives have changed forever. We may feel disconnected from the people and events around us. How can we be with people who are trying to be happy when everything around us reminds us of what we have lost? Our loneliness is often accentuated when we see parents and their young children happily hustling and bustling about with smiles on their faces and newly purchased toys in their shopping bags. We find ourselves contemplating what the holidays would have been like if our child was still alive. But the truth is that our holidays and our lives are forever changed. So what do we do now?
The following "holiday helps" are suggestions for helping one cope with the additional stress of holiday grief. Although you and your family may feel like scattered pieces of a broken puzzle, perhaps the pieces can be rearranged to form a different picture. Our task is to learn to live with the pieces that were left behind after our child died.
BE PATIENT WITH YOURSELF...be kind and gentle with yourself. Learn to compromise. Forgive yourself for surviving after the death of your child.
BE REALISTIC...It will hurt, don't try to hide or block bad moments. Be ready for them. Learn to decorate with tissue boxes...tears can come at any time.
PLAN AHEAD...Grieving people may experience a lack of concentration, so learn to make lists. Decide what is important to you and prioritize everything.
LISTEN TO YOURSELF...As you become aware of your needs, let family and friends know what they can do to help you. Ask for help when you need it.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF...Exercise regularly, or at least watch someone else! Eat right. Get plenty of rest. Be nice to yourself.
CHANGE SOMETHING...Don't be afraid to change some traditions. Try whatever pops into your head. Don't toss out everything this year. Keep some traditions. You choose which ones.
HOLD ON TO YOUR WALLET...You can't buy grief away, but you might try. If shopping is overwhelming, try using catalogues or shop during off-hours when stores are less crowded. You can always give IOU's or gift certificates.
DON'T DENY YOURSELF THE GIFT OF HEALING TEARS...Understand that heartaches will appear as you unpack the ornaments and prepare for the holiday season. But don't deny yourself the warm, loving memories that come with each story and tradition. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith...it is the price we pay for love.
