The dictionary defines inspiration as, “one that moves the intellect or emotions or prompts action..."” That would totally describe my daughter, Cassie.
At 32 years old, I never thought I would ever have my own children. Imagine my elation when the nurse told me I was pregnant! I was so ecstatic!! My pregnancy was going along great – no morning sickness or anything – but at 24 weeks (6 months), I went into labor. I was hospitalized for 4 days and on July 11th at 3:09 am, my little girl, Cassandra Nicole, was born at 1 pound, 4 ounces. I was terrified – I was convinced she would die within the first day or two. I mean, how could a child survive when their lungs were just formed two weeks earlier? I knew her lungs were too immature to survive. I just stared out the window when the doctor and the chaplain came in to tell me that she had a 30% chance of surviving. To me, that was a 70% chance of dying. I couldn’t believe that this was happening to me. When I finally went to see her, I was mortified. No one prepared me for what I was about to see. She was transparent and red! She was on the respirator so she looked like something out of a horror movie. It was hard to believe that she was even alive! I tried to sing her song for her, “You are my sunshine” but all I could do was cry.
Cassie must have gotten some “stubborn genes” from me because, no matter what infection or obstacle came her way, she fought it off. At one point, the doctors were considering taking her off life support because they said she only had a 5% chance of living. She defied those doctors and did what her mommy told her to do – get better and don’t leave mommy. I remember dragging myself to the hospital everyday after work to sit with her for hours thinking, “I cannot WAIT to be done with the hospital routine – I wish I didn’t have to come here anymore.” Then the thought hit me, “At least you’re not visiting a cemetery.” I decided to be thankful for the hospital routine.
Thanksgiving of 1999, she was doing so well, we almost got to take her home. She had pretty bad lung disease from all the time on the respirator but we were hoping that she would grow new tissue and eventually be off oxygen. We made all the arrangements for bringing her home – the home care, the oxygen, the apnea and bradycardia monitors, etc. but 5 days later, they told us she would not be coming home anytime soon. She was so tired and so beat up by operations, infections and edema. She couldn’t keep her potassium and calcium level, her kidneys were shutting down and her urine was blood red. She developed menengitis, hydracephaly and rickets. She swelled up to twice her normal size and her tear ducts popped out and ruptured causing her to “cry” tears of water and blood. She lost her sight, her hearing and her brain function. She had some other blood infections that were undetermined, not to mention her respirator was on maximum pressures just to keep her lungs from collapsing.
I was sick as I watched this happen to my miracle baby! I told her that if she wanted to go, I would let her. I told her about how wonderful heaven would be and that her great grandma, Molly, would be there to hold her and love her until I could get there. I couldn’t stand watching her suffer anymore. I loved her so much, I had to let her go. On December 30th, 1999, I held her in my arms and said good-bye to her as the respiratory therapist said, “God Bless you Cassie.” and removed the respirator tube. She took four little breaths before her lungs collapsed. I had to have the lights turned down because she turned the most hideous color of purple I have ever seen. At 3:50 pm, she went to heaven and I went on to live in hell.
I wondered what I would do with my life. Cassie touched my life so deeply that I had to do something. I decided that I wanted to be a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit nurse. I also decided to volunteer for the March of Dimes and the American Lung Association. I am active in our local support group and I am the editor of its newsletter.
Cassie has inspired me to find the causes and cures of the things that are taking our babies from us and I will work ‘til the day I die fighting infant death. I hope I take my last breath in the NICU or the lab trying to combat the death of babies. She has inspired me to NEVER give up. In honor of her inspiration, I have applied to carry the Olympic Torch in her memory. This year, they are looking for people who inspire. The relay will start in Atlanta, GA and end in Salt Lake City, UT. Participants will be selected based on a 100 word essay about someone who has inspired them. The relay will be 2/10ths of a mile (about 1 º times around a track). If you are interested in being a torchbearer, go to www.saltlake2002.com and apply right online. Make sure your entry is exactly 100 words or less. Let’s get the word out because “even in death, they continue to matter!”
