Do's
- Do ask, "How are you REALLY doing?"
- Do remember that you can't take away their pain, but you
can share it and help them feel less alone.
- Do let your genuine concern and care show.
- Do call the child by name.
- Do treat the couple equally. Fathers need as much support
as mothers.
- Do be available...to listen, to run errands, to drive,
help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed
at the time.
- Do say you are sorry about what happened to their child
and about their pain.
- Do accept their moods whatever they may be, you are not
there to judge. Be sensitive to shifting moods.
- Do allow them to talk about the child that has died as
much and as often as they want.
- Do talk about the special, endearing qualities of the
child.
- Do give special attention to the child's brother and sister--at
the funeral and in the months to come (they too are hurt
and confused and in need of attention which their parents
may not be able to give).
- Do reassure the parents that they did everything they
could, that the care the child received was the best possible.
- Do put on your calendar the birth and death date of the
child and remember the family the following year(s). That
you remember the child is very supportive.
- Do extend invitations to them. But understand if they
decline or change their minds at the last minute. Above
all continue to call and visit.
- Do send a personal note or letter or make a contribution
to a charity that is meaningful to the family.
- Do get literature about the disease and grief process
to help you understand.
|
Don'ts
- Don't be afraid to ask about the deceased child and to
share memories.
- Don't think that the age of the child determines its value
and impact.
- Don't be afraid to touch, it can often be more comforting
than words.
- Don't avoid them because you feel helpless or uncomfortable,
or don't know what to say.
- Don't change the subject when they mention their child.
- Don't push the parents through the grieving process, it
takes a long time to heal and they never forget.
- Don't encourage the use of drugs or alcohol.
- Don't ask them how they feel if you aren't willing to
listen.
- Don't say you know how they feel.
- Don't tell them what they should feel or do.
- Don't try to find something positive in the child's death.
- Don't point out that at least they have their other other
children.
- Don't say that they can always have another child.
- Don't suggest that they should be grateful fo their other
children.
- Don't think that death puts a ban on laughter. There is
much enjoyment in the memory of the time they had together.
- Avoid the following cliches:
- "Be brave,don't cry."
- "It was God's will" or "it was a blessing."
- "Get on with your life. This isn't the end of the
world."
- "God needed another flower in his garden."
- "At least it wasn't older."
- "You must be strong for the other children."
- "You're doing so well."
- "You're young, you'll get over it."
- "Time will heal."
|
